November 2010 Archive

Canceling

12/1 Update: I received a handful of e-mails re: the spelling of ‘canceling’ vs. ‘cancelling’. Thanks for your e-mails. Both are correct – I use the American English spelling, whereas two l’s is the British or Canadian English spelling. Oh, and I thought of another acceptable excuse: a blizzard or anything that makes it unsafe to travel… so feel free to use that one on me

My plans for an afternoon playdate got canceled for tomorrow. This is not a rant having to do with the person who canceled (she’s one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met and had a legitimate excuse), it’s just canceling in general. It’s like my biggest pet peeve. I need help with this because I’m beginning to think it’s me.

I pride myself on being where I say I’ll be. I have a friend who swears I have canceled before, but I am asking for written proof because I don’t believe it. Whether it’s a playdate, dinner out, charity event, birthday party or family gathering, I only say yes if I can make it and want to make it. I may be 15 minutes late, but I get there.

In my book, there are only two acceptable excuses to cancel:

1. My kid got really sick

2. My team is in the World Series

(Any other excuse such as “my car won’t start” or “I have chicken pox” needs video proof.)

Excuses that are not acceptable to me:

1. I’m tired/just don’t feel like motivating

2. I don’t want to drive that far today

3. I decided to do something else instead

4. I forgot we had plans

I had never been canceled on until I had kids. Since then, I have met quite a few serial cancelers. I’ve just heard so many lame excuses in the past 3 years. I mean, why did you say yes in the first place? I’d rather get a definitive “no” or a totally acceptable “maybe” than a “yes”. When I have plans, they go in my calendar in pen. If I don’t want to see you, I’m not going to make plans with you. If I say yes and I really am not looking forward to it, it’s my own damn fault, not yours.

At this point, I’ve learned not to tell Ryan he’s having a playdate or making Cory come home early until the last minute because my plans frequently get canceled. Even at my party last night, I had 4 last-minute cancellations – 2 were legit, 2 were not. I mean, there are two (and sometimes more) parties involved here (and in some cases, catering!) so why is this a big deal to me and not to the other person? Should I lower my expectations?

Playing Devil’s Advocate, I talked to a flaky friend about this once and she said that she didn’t realize she canceled so much until years later when she got into a huge argument with a close friend. She explained that flaky friends can be fun people, but cancel often because they are overbooked, overwhelmed or try to please too many people. Sometimes they are going through something and don’t want their friends to see them as anything other than happy and in control. That it’s not intentional but that they would rather flake out last minute than say no to someone.

So what is your take? Do I have a point or should I chill out?

Posted by Dani in Women and tagged with canceling, flaky friends, playdates

Bust out of your Tryptophan Coma!

As Soul II Soul sang in 1989, “Back to life. Back to reality.”

(Yeah, I had to look that up. Both the date and the group. I’m just not that cool.)

Speaking of not being cool, I spent part of the long weekend driving with Cory to Philly for my 15 year High School reunion (yeah, count it – I’m old) sans kids.

I honestly loved high school. Not in the I-go-back-every-year-to-the-homecoming-game-with-a-cowbell-around-my-neck way, but I just really look back on those years fondly. Definitely not the easiest years to go through, but highly memorable. Cory once asked my best friend Alex (who went to both high school and college with me) if I was really popular in high school. He thought for sure I had to be. Cheerleader, captain of the softball team, well represented in the yearbook (probably because I was on the yearbook committee), kept in touch with a bunch of friends, entertaining stories about sneaking out of the house and getting in trouble…

I think she laughed. Thanks, Al.

It’s true, though. I was talking to my friend B at reunion about this and she agreed – we had our close friends, but didn’t really belong to just one group – we were friendly with everyone.

Out of a class of just under 300, there were roughly 1/3 in attendance at our reunion. I loved talking to all of them even more than at previous reunions. At our 5 year reunion, most of us were unmarried and enjoyed getting wasted and talking about our college lives. At our 10 year, many had gotten married or were in relationships and it was all about who worked where. At this one, it was funny to talk with people you once partied with about spit-up, colic and sleeping through the night.

Cory commented that I had 5 ex-boyfriends in attendance. I choose to call them old friends because most of them are more than just exes. I was one of those girls who always had a boyfriend. Not because I’m so fabulous, but because I always dated the guy I was best friends with at the time. It always just made sense to me as a natural progression of friendship. I told Cory I could have married any of them, he just happened to be my best friend when I was ripe for marriage. Lucky him! Just kidding.

Highlights of my conversations with the 5 ex-boyfriends:

1. My 6th grade boyfriend finally fessed up to why he dumped me out of the blue – another one of our friends made him do it. Way to go, peer pressure! It’s okay, we were 12.

2. My 7th/8th grade boyfriend and I sang a song that he wrote for me together as we walked out the door at the end of the night.

3. My 9th grade boyfriend who I was attracted to because he was a “bad boy” – long hair, leather jacket, smelled like Marlboros – now sells solar panels and does stand-up comedy while teaching yoga on the side. He was drinking Diet Coke while I was on my 4th shot.

4. My 11th/12th grade boyfriend and I shared a hug after having a falling out freshman year of college. I did some shady stuff that was really hurtful to him after senior year. He responded by trying to kill me accidentally on purpose on the Atlantic City Expressway later that year. He’s married now, so I think we’re okay.

5. My 12th grade/beginning of college boyfriend and I will always somehow stay in touch. He was at our wedding. I met his adorable wife, who I knew I would love even more than him, and she shared that the two of them read my blog. (I actually had quite a few people come up to me and say how much they enjoyed reading the blog. Facebook really is an insanely wonderful way to connect and reconnect, don’t you think?)

So the weekend was a success – not only did we have a great time, we got to listen to our own music in the car, chew our food during meals, take our time getting ready, hang out and drink with adults, finish our own sentences without interruption, stay in a hotel, sleep in and have a leisurely brunch. The rest of the weekend was spent with family celebrating my brother-in-law’s Birthday, playing board games (yes we’re total dorks), eating, playing, eating, sleeping and eating again with some shopping (and eating) thrown in.

Now I have to get ready for a party I’m hosting tonight. I have some friends coming who have their own businesses – accessories, clothes and more – and I’m having catering and wine. Come on over.

How was your Thanksgiving weekend?

Posted by Dani in Holiday stuff and tagged with boyfriends, high school, reunion, Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families.

I have so much to be thankful for today and every day!

Especially my Mom’s stuffing – YUM

Posted by Dani in Holiday stuff and tagged with Thanksgiving, turkey

It’s time to give thanks… to ME!

Thanksgiving is a time to express thankfulness for family, friends, health, and material possessions. I am thankful for everything I have and everyone that I am honored to have in my life, but as Thanksgiving nears, I would like to add MYSELF to the list of ‘things’ I am thankful for.

Is that rude?

On Mother’s Day, your kids pay tribute to your role as their Mother. On your Birthday, you don’t really sit and ponder the fabulousness of being born – you party while trying to forget that your personal trainer is closer to your son’s age than yours. But do you ever really sit and think to yourself, “Wow, I rock and I want to talk about it”? (You totally should. It would probably be cathartic.)

Okay, you’re shy so I’ll begin.

I am thankful for ME because:

1. I am responsible for the lives of two children. They are happy, healthy, smart, funny and amazing. Go me!

2. I’m intelligent and have something to offer. I don’t mean intelligent in a “book smart” or “worldly” way (I suck at geography and can’t even begin to discuss politics), but in a unique kind of common sense way that I think is endearing. I use this intelligence to be an advisor to peers when they need someone to lean on. I think I give pretty good advice.

3. I try hard to be a good friend and keep in touch. Sometimes I make mistakes and drop the ball, but it’s very important to me to let those around me know how much they mean to me.

4. I’m fun and creative. I like to make up goofy songs, silly dances, pretend games and do kiddie stuff. I don’t need kids around to go on playground swings, waterslides, play board games, draw with sidewalk chalk or go on amusement park rides. I plan to be a kid forever.

5. I will make time for you. I will stay up ’til all hours of the night to research something for you, help with a problem or do something to make your life easier, even if I don’t know you. It’s harder to do now with a family, but I try my best.

Okay, that’s enough hugging myself. It’s your turn. Come on, say something nice about yourself. It’s legal.

Posted by Dani in Holiday stuff and tagged with thankful for me, Thanksgiving

Holiday Cards

I was never one to send holiday cards - I thought they were for Christmas only and I always got annoyed when someone would send me a picture of their cats in Santa hats. Save the stamp, I thought. I know, totally scrooge.

Then people I knew started having kids. Soon my entire apartment was filled with cute pictures of children (see below) and I couldn’t wait to do a card of my own.

Ryan reaching for Drew Barrymore... oh and holiday cards... check out the holiday cards.

What the hell are we watching? This doesn't look appropriate.

After Ryan was born, I spent hours that fall on photo shoots – JC Penney, Sears, at a park amongst colorful fall leaves, sitting on a tree, draping a white sheet over a chair, you name it. I never quite got the perfect picture, but I proudly sent holiday cards in 2007 and 2008.

I should have listened to my friends and chosen just the one of him in the tree. But I HAD to have a card with three photos. Why? WHY?

Oy - looking back now, not such a great picture. Amazing how long this took to choose.

Then 2009 rolled around and I just didn’t feel like it. Enough crap to do. Not enough time. I was pregnant and I thought I’d just wait until I had the two kids and do it next year.

Well, it’s ‘next year’ and I don’t know what to do. I haven’t received a holiday card yet and Hanukkah, at least, is only 8 days away. So either I don’t have friends anymore, or everyone else is giving up on being cheerful.

Should I do holiday cards this year?

Yes (81%, 26 Votes)
No (19%, 6 Votes)

Total Voters: 32

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Posted by Dani in Holiday stuff, Polls and Quizzes and tagged with holiday cards

Shameless plug

I never enter these things because it’s just a contest to see how many friends you have that are willing to vote, but I couldn’t resist. Lexi is now number 130 or something out of thousands, so please vote daily if you can. I will love you forever!

VOTE FOR LEXI HERE!

Posted by Dani in Babies and tagged with baby photo contest

Reader letter – taming tantrums

Hi Dani,

I’m not sure if you’re taking suggestions, but would love to hear your input on how to deal with mega-tantrums. My daughter has been having fierce tantrums – the kind where she screams, cries, jumps up and down for 30-60 minutes – they are ugly. It would be nice to hear how you deal with them.

Okay, so don’t hate me but fortunately Ryan never went the mega-tantrum route and Alexa isn’t quite there yet. So you may wonder – why the hell would I write about this as a blog topic? Well, one – I have friends who have been through it and know what worked and what didn’t and two – I’m watching the Eagles game and can’t think of anything else to write about this evening

Oh wait and three – maybe my dear readers can help you.

First of all, don’t take it personally. Tantrums are a normal part of development and temperament and have nothing to do with your parenting! Now, I’d love to know what sparks the tantrums and what you currently do to help stop them. Are there consequences? Time outs? Do you engage her in the middle of a tantrum? Do you know what sets her off?

I’ve found that the biggest mistakes we as parents make is to try and reason with our children or to completely lose it and freak out as well. One thing you must know is that when your child is out of control, they are actually looking to you to help him/her regain control. Try to model good coping skills around her whenever possible. Children learn from watching adults around them and chances are if you erupt easily, so will your child.

Another good habit is to tell your child what you expect of her behavior in different situations. If you go to a playdate at someone’s house , let your child know that she is expected to share, take turns and respect others’ property and remind her of any consequences if she doesn’t behave.

Here are 5 methods that you can try if “Ooh, look at this colorful distracting ball!” just doesn’t cut it anymore:

1. Ignore. Even if you’re in a supermarket and she’s literally throwing cans of corn because she wants a cookie and you tell her it’s too close to dinnertime. A tantrum is a performance for an audience. If she doesn’t have an audience, the tantrum is worthless to her. Don’t engage – let it run its course. It may take a few minutes, but it will stop. If you must remove her from the scene because she’s doing something to endanger herself or others, do it quickly and calmly. But always stay close to your child. She needs you during this outpouring of intense emotions.

2. Don’t reason with her and stay consistent. If you engage during or give in after a tantrum, she will only learn that screaming and carrying on is a surefire way to get what she wants.

3. Try to identify triggers and keep a mental note of them – for example, common triggers are fatigue and hunger. Many tantrums occur as a result of trying to fit in just one more errand when your child is exhausted and obviously done for the day. Or it’s been hours since she had something to eat and you didn’t bring a snack. (Think about how you get when your stomach starts rumbling and your blood sugar drops. Want to throw your laptop at someone? Same with your kid.)

4. Stay calm. Tantrums are meant to get attention. If you have to engage to give a consequence or enforce a time out, don’t allow your child to see any negative effect on you or she will feel empowered. Keep your ego out of it and try to stay emotionally detached from the event. Once the tantrum is over, show her understanding and compassion and move on.

Yes, it sucks when you know everyone is looking at you like you’re beating your child while concurrently wondering how it’s humanly possible to sweat this much. But those people either don’t have kids, are kids themselves or had them so long ago that they don’t remember. I’ve witnessed these scenes countless times. When I didn’t have kids, I was one of the ones who reacted in horror at the site of a kid thrashing on the floor of a restaurant. Now I just give a sympathetic smile and thank G-d that it’s not my child that day.

5. Try to help your child navigate her world a little easier. Many tantrums start as a result of a child being denied something that they want, but another frequent reason is frustration about not being able to do something on their own or being able to express themselves. One thing that works for me is giving choices and alternatives. The choices are meant to yield a result that you approve of, but it gives your child a sense of autonomy. For example, “Do you want to brush your teeth before or after your bath?” or “Would you like to have your chicken nuggets with applesauce or sweet potatoes?”

Most importantly, choose your battles. Is it so awful that she wants to wear mismatched pajamas or put cream cheese on her bagel by herself? Sometimes it’s best to listen to what your child is requesting and weigh whether it’s worth it to lay down the law. Let me know if any of these work for you and update us on how it goes!

Posted by Dani in Reader letters and tagged with choices, choose your battles, control, tantrums

Is this some kind of cruel joke?

Okay, so yesterday there was the woman in line at Whole Foods. Today there was the woman waiting for the elevator in Macy’s.

We smile and exchange pleasantries – she has a 17 month old son and I’m with Alexa. The kids smile at each other. She seems very nice – a tiny wisp of a woman in skinny jeans who couldn’t weigh more than 100 lbs soaking wet. Her phone rings. She says excuse me and takes the call….

What happens next takes only seconds, but scars me for life. (Okay, I’m being overly dramatic, but it was insane.)

“Hey girl. Oh my G-d, I know! I was so embarrassed. It felt like everyone’s eyes were on me. I hadn’t seen them in a year and I just know that they were looking at me and thinking about how fat I got.”

“I’m carrying like 20 extra pounds and I wanted to just run out of there. You don’t understand what it’s like to look like this. I’m so happy that Trisha told them I was pregnant again, so they would understand why I look so huge.”

One – why would she talk like this in front of a stranger and think it was normal?

Two – if she took one look at me, wouldn’t she feel embarrassed calling herself fat when I could swallow three of her?

Ugh. Someone is strategically placing these people around me to piss me off.

Posted by Dani in Women and tagged with fat, Macy's, pregnant

I spent thousands of dollars on Cord Blood banking and then I read this…

I just read this article on CNN.com about public vs. private cord blood banking. I thought I did a great deal of research before Ryan was born and made an educated decision, but sometimes I second-guess myself. I did know that collecting cord blood could prove extremely useful should Ryan have a sibling, so that was a big motivating factor.

If you’re like my friend Z and don’t read articles people recommend because you’d rather be on your spin bike, checking e-mail or returning five pair of sneakers to various stores, here are the highlights:

1. Umbilical cells can be stored, free of charge, to a public cord blood bank for potentially anyone in need of a stem cell transplant for leukemia, sickle cell anemia or dozens of other diseases.

2. Transplant specialists, and even private banks themselves, say umbilical cord cells are often of no use to the child who donated them. For example, if a child develops leukemia, there are usually leukemia cells in the cord blood, making them inappropriate for a transplant. Or if a child has a genetic disorder, that same problematic DNA lies in the cord blood cells, rendering them useless.

3. Dr. Andromachi Scaradavou, a consultant at the pediatric bone marrow transplant program at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center says, ”There are very, very, very few situations where a kid could benefit from his own cord blood – it would be like winning the lottery.”

4. Kathy Engle, a spokeswoman for Cord Blood Registry, a private bank, says it’s true that a child’s own cells often won’t work for himself, but that sometimes they do. “Preserving cells today could be something that has very different uses in the future,” Engle wrote in an e-mail. “Of course, we cannot predict that, but unfortunately there is only the one chance to collect the cord blood, so parents’ decisions are time bound.”

5. A child’s umbilical cord cells could be useful for a sibling or other family member who needs a transplant, doctors say. “When I have a patient whose mother is pregnant, I say they absolutely should go ahead and privately bank those cord blood cells when the baby’s born,” Dr. Haydar Frangoul, director of the pediatric bone and marrow transplant program at Vanderbilt University Medical Center says. But he adds that often umbilical cord cells aren’t enough and doctors have to go in and extract marrow from the child who donated the umbilical cord cells to use in addition.

6. If you choose to donate to a public bank, there is a 95 percent chance your child’s umbilical cord cells will still be there if you need them, and you get to have them for free. Here’s the catch: Public banks have strict standards and reject about half of all donations because not enough cells were obtained or there are quality problems with the cells. In that case, you can’t get your child’s cells back because they weren’t stored in the first place.

So it looks like Ryan’s cord blood cells could be useful for Alexa and vice versa, but that I could have banked both of their cells for free to a public bank and probably get them back if I needed them and I would have saved thousands of dollars. Similarly, if either of my children needed life-saving cord blood cells, I could get them from a public bank, which only accepts those cells that meet stringent quality standards.

Did you (or do you) plan to bank your child(ren)’s cord blood privately? What are your thoughts?

Posted by Dani in News and tagged with Cord Blood banking, Cord Blood registry, private banks, public banks, Sloan-Kettering, stem cells, transplants, umbilical cord cells

Who are you?

Dear lady with the twin 1-year-olds on the checkout line at Whole Foods,

How is it possible that you are wearing heels and a wrap dress with perfectly arched eyebrows, a fresh manicure, precision-lined eyelids and lipstick that looks like you just applied it? How did you even remember to shower this morning? Can you really walk like that? How are your kids calm and not screaming or grabbing all of the candy off of the shelf in front of you? Are you a robot? How can you simultaneously answer your phone, give your kids a snack and swipe your credit card? Are you seriously not sweating? I’m sweating just watching you.

Incredulous regards,

The unshowered woman behind you with the sleeping infant who is wearing sweatpants, with wayward eyebrows and bitten nails, trying to locate her wallet while sweating and cursing you under her breath

Posted by Dani in Women and tagged with twins, Whole Foods