April 2012 Archive

Three’s Company?

I need your help.

Not like a “Call 911!” type of help, or even a “Can you take my kids out of the house for an hour so I can get work done?” kind of help. The kind of help that a woman needs when trying to make a big, life-altering decision.

Now it may seem weird that I’m asking you to help me work through a decision that should quite honestly:

1. Be none of your business

and

2. Remain between Cory and me

…but there are many things in my life that I can’t and/or choose not to discuss on this blog (ex: finances, what color loofah Cory uses in the shower) and this one I’m fine with sharing. My blog, my truth.

What is it, you ask?

I can’t make up my mind about having a third.

Not a third pair of sneakers. Or a third glass of wine.

A baby.

It’s kind of a big deal and we’ve always talked about having three children but now that the time is nearing, I’m really, really confused. I know the time is nearing for a few reasons. One, I’ve been thinking about it non-stop. Two, I don’t want to be pregnant forever. I don’t want to get used to having parts of my life back and then starting over again. I am 35 and with each year it will become more difficult to get pregnant naturally and honestly, I just want to know that we’re either done or that we’re going for it. I definitely feel in-between.

Cory is conflicted, too, but his reasons aren’t for me to share. We love our kids and we love being parents. We love seeing the way Ryan and Alexa interact with each other. There is nothing better than Ryan asking for a second goody bag, an extra snack or a toy at the dentist’s office “so I can bring it home for my sister Lexi”, holding her hand as they walk down the stairs, making sure his friends are gentle with her (even though he constantly tackles her to the ground), reading to her in his bed and calling her “sweetie girl”. I love the way her eyes light up when Ryan comes home from school and she runs to hug him, her best friend and hero, holding onto him for dear life.

They have a relationship that I will never get to have, and whether I idealize the sibling dynamic or not, at least they have a shot at being friends and a support system for each other throughout their lives. I know that there are no guarantees and that being born into the same family doesn’t mean that they will always like each other as individuals, but they will always share some sort of bond, having grown up in the same house and influencing each other just by mere proximity. The thought of another child for all of us to love is wonderful, but it’s not that cut and dry for me. Let’s start with the nagging worries that I have, the negatives that keep me from wanting to take the plunge:

We have two healthy, beautiful children. Why mess with a good thing?

I have anxiety about this because although it only took 9 months to get pregnant with Ryan and I had two early miscarriages before Alexa, I have watched friends go through the heartache of infertility and I don’t know if I’d be pushing my luck. I feel guilt that I am conflicted about trying for a third when some people would give anything to have one. I also worry that because of this greed, I will have an unhealthy child. I didn’t say it’s a rational fear since there are plenty of families with three or more children, but it’s my fear.

What if it negatively affects Ryan and Alexa’s future?

Another child means dividing our time and resources even further and adding expenses that could affect our kids’ future. Would it mean we couldn’t afford for them to go to the best colleges they get into? Family vacations? Weddings? Plenty of people don’t factor in finances when having a family and say “you make it work” but at what expense? And as for spending quality time with each child, the way it is now if Cory is having alone time with Alexa, I am having alone time with Ryan. Easy. If we had another child, would that time be harder to come by? Would the kids feel cheated?

We would be outnumbered.

I can hold a kid in each arm. One on each knee. Two hands to hold when crossing the street. Cory makes sure one doesn’t disappear while I keep track of the other. Add a third to the mix and I just might lose one!

Three’s a crowd?

What if two get along great and one is always left out? Odd numbers are hard.

Middle child syndrome.

This actually doesn’t worry me too much because Alexa would be the only girl or the big sister. But do the oldest and youngest unknowingly get a different kind of attention as a result of their place in the family?

I have days when I don’t think I’m doing a good job handling the two I have. Three would put me over the edge.

I’m thinking about those super fun weeks in February, April, June, August and December when everyone is home from school. Then the thought of coordinating three different playdates, plus shuttling between games, practices, recitals, Birthday parties and school functions is overwhelming. Making sure three kids do their homework? Packing three lunches according to individual pickiness? Keeping track of them on a playground? I’m sweating just typing this. Oh G-d and the laundry!

I could be finished – right now – with infancy, round-the-clock feedings and total sleep disruption and be steps closer to building my business, fully committing myself to the gym (since the threat of pregnancy wouldn’t be in the picture) and moving closer to getting myself and my time back.

It would be great to know that I’m completely done. Knowing that those boxes of clothes, baby toys and bottles will never be dusted off again. Knowing that I will have difficult times ahead as the kids face more complicated realities, but knowing that the baby stage is over and I can look forward to the next stage where our family is older and we can enjoy each other in a new and different way. I find pregnancy to be an amazing experience, but I could do without the sickness, physical discomfort and the loss of sleeping on my stomach! As someone who hardly sleeps and loves to nap, I don’t know if I’d have enough energy to take care of the two I have with pregnancy hormones coursing through me. This thought truly frightens me.

Of course there are positives as well. Otherwise this wouldn’t be such a dilemma.

Yes, we have two healthy, beautiful children. So what’s wrong with wanting more of a good thing? My kids are amazing. They make me laugh harder than anyone. They say and do the cutest things. I am like an annoying Grandmother who is constantly talking about what they’re doing, showing pictures and videos. Like most parents, I am completely in love with them most days and other days wish they would get shipped to Boarding School. Being a Mom is really all I ever wanted when I was a kid. (Also a singer, writer, teacher and Madonna. But always a Mom.) I could stare into their faces and kiss and tickle them for hours. They are sweet little balls of fun with the best personalities and they make my life complete. Why wouldn’t I want more of that?

Being an only child, I was always envious when friends would tell stories about their huge holiday gatherings complete with crazy aunts and uncles and tons of cousins. When I went to friends’ houses who had two or more siblings, I usually noted their interactions. Whether they were close or not (in age and/or in their relationship), I can remember a lot from those little glimpses into their lives. Playmates. Built-in entertainment. Protectors. Jealousy. Fighting. But mostly playing. As I got older, those friends’ houses were full of noise and laughter. A revolving door of friends raiding the fridge, watching movies, coming home from school and gossiping about the latest drama. I loved the noise and the energy. I know that Ryan, Alexa and their friends will create plenty of noise on their own, but I love the thought of even more kids growing up together in our home, sharing holidays, stories and experiences.

I know if we had another child, I would never regret having that child and it would feel like it was meant to be. But I may regret not having another one.

We will probably be pushed to our limit, feel massively overwhelmed and wonder why we’re even allowed to be in charge of human beings. But I often feel that way right now so what’s the difference?

Three kids in pajamas cuddling on the bed, listening to a book. (Cozy and cute.)

Another option for whose house to live in when we’re old and grey. (Good insurance.)

Increased probability of grandchildren. (A good thing.)

Looking into the face of another gift that Cory and I made for each other. (Priceless.)

So I turn to you.

First, I just want to apologize if I have offended any of my readers who feel this is in some way means I think having no children or anything less than three does not make a full house or family. This is not even close to how I feel. Or my readers who struggle with infertility. I do not mean to be insensitive. This is just my personal journey.

I knew I wanted more than one child because of my own desire to have a sibling. This is probably also the rationale for wanting to have more than two children. I had a small family so with a “grass is greener” mentality naturally thought about having a larger family of my own one day. Just as I know people who grew up in huge families who went on to have one or two children as a result of feeling hidden and burdened by their family’s size.

My mother had three miscarriages before I was conceived and was placed on bedrest for most of her pregnancy with me. Seeing as though they had a healthy child, my parents decided not to go through the ordeal and heartache again. It makes sense. I may mourn what could have been but I have had many blessings as an only child which make me the person I am today. My best friends are like sisters to me. I have a very full and happy life.

I just don’t know if our book is closed or not.

I’d probably have my answer if someone told me right now to throw out the boxes of baby clothes and toys that sit in my basement and ask me if I feel okay about it. But it just doesn’t feel so black and white.

What affected your decision to have one, two, three or more children? Did your family size growing up have something to do with it or was it beyond your control? My friends have told me everything from “Don’t do it – it will ruin your life!” to “I’d have ten children if my husband would let me.”

I would love to hear your thoughts so please comment below and thanks for visiting!

Posted by Dani in Babies, Parenting, Siblings and tagged with decision to have more children, family size, having a third child, having three kids, infertility, middle child syndrome, only child, pregnancy in late 30's, siblings

We Have a 2 Year Old

Happy 2nd Birthday, Miss Alexa Gabrielle. We adore your spirit, your silliness, your smile and the way you laugh. You are our little gymnast and adventurer who stays up all night singing and partying with your crib friends. We love your independence and constant refrain of “I’ll do it!” along with your love for life and personality that lights up a room. We love that Ryan is your hero and you are his sweetie.

Posted by Dani in Birthdays and tagged with Alexa turns 2

Photo of the Day

Posted by Dani in The Playbook and tagged with babyproofing

School Vacation

I just carried Ryan upstairs for a nap and he didn’t protest. He asked if he could sleep until nighttime. Vacation week is all sorts of crazy. May we all survive.

Posted by Dani in The Playbook and tagged with April break, vacation from school

We Have a 5 Year Old

Happy 5th Birthday to our silly, funny, handsome, smart, creative, curious, always moving, always talking, always singing, tushy-dancing buddy RYAN CHASE!

With you, there is never a dull moment and we wouldn’t have it any other way. You really rock and if you weren’t our kid, we’d be jealous. Probably a little more rested, but jealous. We hope you realize how wonderful and special you are and how proud we are to be your parents. You make us laugh like nobody else can.

Posted by Dani in Birthdays and tagged with Ryan turns 5

On Marriage

So I’ve been a little MIA but fortunately it’s because I’ve been trying to find more of a balance with my family, my work and my health. Sometimes we lose sight of what’s really important in life and have to make changes. Nothing crazy happening here, just was feeling overwhelmed and decided to step back for a while and cut out the non-essentials.

In what must be related to my feelings of late, I’ve been hearing a lot of talk lately about divorce. Whispers from people at the gym, blaring celebrity headlines and mentions of friends of friends’ marriages collapsing seem to be picking up in frequency, at least ’round these parts. In many of these failing relationships, there are children involved. I don’t want to imagine the hurt, anger and confusion that divorce wreaks upon the lives of everyone affected by a family torn apart. Not that it’s unheard of these days – we know that almost half of first marriages today end in divorce. I just have a difficult time listening to some of the reasons behind these family break-ups. It’s not because I can’t imagine these things ever happening, it’s because they seemed so preventable.

“She spent too much money.”

“He developed a pornography habit.”

“He wasn’t ready to be a Father.”

“She started falling for an old boyfriend she reconnected with on Facebook.”

“He wanted to go back to his party-boy days.”

“She completely changed once they had children and he hardly recognized her. Eventually, they grew apart.”

Before we had kids, I never understood what people meant when they said that marriage is hard work, but I totally get it now. Once you become a parent and your children are at the center of your lives, it is easy to neglect the “family before the family” – the happy couple that once was – the partnership, the friendship, the twosome.

Cory and I began dating when we were 19 and 20, respectively. We were married at 26 and had Ryan 4 years later. During our 10 years of exclusive coupledom, we were at the center of each other’s worlds. We shared the ins and outs of our respective jobs, discussed plans for the future, planned vacations, exercised together, did laundry together, split chores, watched our favorite shows, called to check in multiple times a day and basically just settled into being the adult version of “us”. It was a period of growth and change, but we grew and changed together. We didn’t know anything beyond Cory and Dani and that was good enough for us back then.

We knew that we would have children someday and above all else, I knew Cory would make an amazing Dad. Although planning our wedding was wonderful, I was never the little girl who dreamed of her wedding day. Instead, I was a little girl who dreamed of becoming a Mother. When my friends and I played House, I was perfectly happy playing the Mom while they all fought over who would be the baby.

Following Ryan’s arrival and my subsequent struggle with Postpartum Depression, I was forced to figure out a new normal. Cory went back to his job and his corporate identity, but my own identity was turned upside down and it was up to me to redefine myself. No longer working, I was now wearing my “Mom Hat” full time and I wasn’t sure how to be anything else. It wasn’t as if I had much time for anything aside from the little creature who was pretty much glued to me day and night. I realized for the first time that Cory-and-Dani-The-Couple also needed to be redefined. The twosome of the past was now a threesome. But we also realized that the home base, the steady ground of this family was planted before we had children and we needed to nurture that.

As the months passed and our lives settled into more of a routine, Cory and I made sure to watch our favorite shows together, enjoy dinner dates and take weekend trips alone while Ryan was in the care of one or both sets of our parents. We balanced our relationship as well as we could but of course there were times when one of us felt neglected, we weren’t connecting as well or we didn’t make enough time for each other. It was during those times that we spoke about our feelings and tried to figure out how to remedy the situation. I remember feeling overwhelmed at times, crying to Cory before we fell asleep about how I still didn’t feel normal even after 9 months had passed. It wasn’t really until Ryan was about 15 or 16 months old that I truly felt comfortable as a parent. I knew for my mental health that I needed to take off my “Mom Hat” once in a while and at that time we were fortunate enough to be able to hire someone to watch Ryan every Monday from 9-6 so I could do laundry, go food shopping, go to doctor’s appointments, take a nap, have lunch with a friend and basically anything I needed or wanted to do all by myself. It was heavenly and I really felt an internal balance and peace.

Adding a second child to the mix proved to be more of a challenge. Two people vying for our attention left less of it for ourselves and each other. I no longer had the luxury of a caregiver once a week and in the midst of trying to juggle the kids’ schedules, maintaining our house and our daily lives, I decided to start a business. At each stage in my life where I finally felt comfortable, I decided to complicate things by taking on something new. I started watching less TV and ceased to make phone calls. I stayed up until 3am working on my business because I didn’t want to take away from time with the kids. I started to fall behind on laundry, keeping the house organized and staying ahead of things like birthday presents, blog posts, doctor’s appointments and the like. The thought of Date Night just meant that my free time would be used for going out and I’d be falling behind on work. Maybe I took on too much but I wanted to handle it all.

Nurturing our relationship wasn’t even on the agenda. And that – my friends – is quite a dangerous way to run a family.

You see, I understand why people choose to give up on marriage, especially if there were doubts to begin with. People grow apart. Some choose to leave an abusive relationship. Technology makes connections easier but also causes distractions that enable people to stray from their marriages more easily. Some married too young. There are lots of reasons why marriages don’t work. It’s hard to know what forever means.

We didn’t have any doubts to begin with. Overall, we have grown together and made sure to voice our needs to each other, but there have also been rough periods that made me realize that marriage is something that needs attention, work and compromise to succeed.

I believe that people make choices in a marriage. Of course it is easy to daydream about some fictional life that you read about in a book or to compare something that a friend’s husband or wife did to that of your own partner. Deciding to be with one person for life is a choice, and not one to be taken lightly. Are people really prepared at 24, 25, 26 years old to choose a life partner? Is it realistic to believe that two people will maintain a partnership through the devastating experience of losing a child, dealing with illness, family infighting and/or serious financial peril? Even something as simple as choosing a different path than the one you started on, for example welcoming religion into your life or deciding to become a vegetarian?

I have never experienced a devastating loss to shake my marriage to the core so it may sound hypocritical, but I believe in marriage and I believe in our vows. I shudder to picture life if one of us G-d forbid becomes seriously ill and Cory or I have to become the other’s caretaker. I would surely curse the loss of normalcy, of what could have been, of experiences that we would no longer partake in… but I feel it would be a betrayal to the person I vowed to stand by through sickness and health. It reminds me of my blase attitude upon doing our will and choosing life insurance. Nobody ever really pictures needing either of these safeguards until old age, so we rarely think deeply about having to move forward should something happen to our spouse.

As much as I believe in marriage, I also believe in divorce. You only have one life, after all, so you might as well be with someone you enjoy being with and who respects and cares for you. There is also no room for violence, fear and abuse in a marriage. But I think that if some couples who hit their first rocky patch would go the extra mile to try to save their marriages, to put in the hard work, to accept help and therapy, they could save their families. I think as a society we are too quick to give up, to look elsewhere for validation and love and there are children whose lives are forever altered by the decisions of their parents. We consciously bring these children into the world, don’t we owe it to them to give their family everything we have?

Marriage is hard. Raising children is hard. I struggle daily to find a balance and some days I fail miserably. My husband has told me on numerous occasions that he felt neglected (most notably when I was getting my Masters and when I started the business). It took some soul-searching and difficult conversations to understand how the other felt. I can’t tell you why scheduling couple time for me isn’t as easy as making playdates, shuttling the kids to classes and doing errands. My husband is amazing and he definitely deserves more of my time.

We work seamlessly as parents – sharing chores, playing with the kids, making sure they are happy, but we are also trying to make more time for ourselves as a couple. I have been going to bed earlier so that I’m not always getting into bed hours after Cory has fallen asleep. We are trying to find a babysitter so that we can start doing regular weekend dates again. We used to go to Atlantic City a few times a year for a weekend but now we feel guilty leaving two kids with our parents. It’s harder to do, but not impossible. I think it’s so worth it to make an effort so we don’t end up one day at the dinner table in silence, with nothing left to talk about but our empty nest.

I have a friend who recently told me that she works hard to maintain and nurture her marriage. Not only does she have sex multiple times a week, she knows that their marriage is her #1 priority. I admire her and every time I hear about another divorce, it makes me realize just how lucky I am to have such love and support in my marriage. It gives me the kick I need to focus on nurturing it more.

Did you find it easier or more difficult to nurture your marriage after having kids?

Posted by Dani in Men, Parenting, Women and tagged with divorce, marriage after kids