July 2012 Archive

Born Evil? Calculating Bully? Unfortunate Victim? Or All of the Above?

Regarding the senseless Colorado shooting early this morning -

What causes someone to take innocent people’s lives away? And can we, as parents, do anything about it?

Is it lack of attention, love or support from friends and family? Mental illness? Alienation? Low self-esteem? A desire for power over others? Whatever the shooter’s back story, whether it rewinds to his childhood or not, it all comes down to one simple truth that we as parents and educators must try our hardest to instill in our children from the very beginning – be nice to people and have compassion. Sounds easy, but it’s harder to put into practice than it seems.

Teach your kids that their words not only have the capacity to hurt but to heal.

Model compassionate behavior for your children.

Communicate with them. Try to listen without dismissing their feelings, no matter how trivial their problem seems.

I honestly don’t believe that some people are born bad. I think that a person’s life experiences are directly related to their behavior. Everyone at their core just wants to be liked and to be happy. I truly believe that.

If you see warning signs with your child of bullying or being bullied, hanging out with the “wrong” crowd, showing signs of anxiety or depression – do something about it. Scary as it may be, as parents we are entrusted with our children’s lives, and our influence lasts well beyond childhood. No, we can’t stop all of the violence in the world, but we can be a safe haven where our children can feel comfortable knowing they have an ally. Too many times it seems people cry out for help and nobody hears. We can’t stop everyone from hurting others with their words and actions, but we can begin by letting our children know that we are there for them, even when it seems the rest of the world is not. Even as our children become adults, we must stay involved in their lives and take note of any behaviors that throw up a red flag.

I don’t know all of the details of this story – they will trickle out as authorities speak with the shooter’s family, friends and acquaintances, but I have no doubts that warning signs were aplenty as his Mother was quoted as saying, “You have the right person.”

What do you think? Do we have the power to influence our children into adulthood? Are there some people that are simply “bad seeds” or do you believe underneath every violent act there is a cry for help?

Posted by Dani in News, Parenting, Safety and tagged with born evil, bullying, Colorado movie theater shooting, keeping our kids safe, senseless violence, teaching compassion to children

A Stitch in Time Saves a Finger

I’m pretty sure that guilt is slamming your kid’s finger in a car door and then hearing HER apologize to YOU while planting kisses all over your face and repeating, “Make it all better, Mommy.”

Such was last Wednesday.

It was picture day at camp. Lexi wore her camp shirt (which doubled as a nightgown) and when I picked her up, she was happy as could be. “I had fun, Mommy.” “Camp is fun always.” “I smile in picture.” Great!

I carry her to the car, nuzzling her. It’s three hours that she’s away from me and I miss my buddy. I open the back door on her side and realize the guy to the left of me is parked way too close and is starting his engine. He puts the car in gear and starts rolling out. I noticed he didn’t see us, so I jumped back quickly because I didn’t want the car to hit us. My backward motion caused the back door of the car to close. I hear Lexi crying and it takes three seconds to realize it is because half of her finger is missing… on the other side of the door.

I open it and yell for the nearest staff member, who runs us to the nurse. After what seems like forever, she gets the bleeding to stop. We have blood all over both of us and all I want to know is if her finger is in one piece, but I can’t see the tip of it. They take a cursory look at the gash and announce that she will probably need stitches and an X-ray to see if it’s broken. I am eerily calm and nod my head, holding Lexi and telling her it’s okay.

The second I get her in the car on the way to urgent care, the tears start coming. I pull over, temporarily blinded. It is the worst feeling I’ve felt as a parent – my child is hurt, and I caused it. Sure, I was trying to keep us safe, but knowing the pain she was feeling hurt my heart so deeply, I was surprised by my own choking sobs. I called Cory and he begged me to hold it together and be strong for Lexi. Five minutes later, we arrived and sat in the waiting room – me crying softly, Lexi sitting facing me on my lap, nuzzling my cheek.

“I sorry, Mommy.” “Finger hurt.”

More sobs coming from me. In five years as a parent, I never had more than a scraped knee to deal with and this was just awful.

We were a sweaty, teary mess when we got into the examination room. Lexi waited patiently and stared at her bandaged finger with a small Dora sticker on it. The TV went on and the nurse brought her three lollipops.

“I want red.”

Two minutes later, “I done, Mommy. Now orange.”

And then, “I done. Purple now.”

We went for x-rays and my little angel sat on the table draped in a vest and held her little hand still while the technician took pictures. I couldn’t believe how calm and sweet she was being while her finger undoubtedly throbbed with pain.

Nothing fractured, but the gaping hole would need stitches.

Before the doctor could stitch her finger, Lexi had to sit for 15 minutes with her hand in some cleaning solution. She watched Nick Jr. patiently, not moving at all. Every few seconds, she would pucker up for a kiss and I swelled with love at this little being. When the doctor injected her finger with anesthesia, she let out a cry but nothing compared to how I would react in the same situation. Kids are amazing.

By now it was nearing 2 o’clock and the events of the day were beginning to wear on us both. During one of her hugs, I felt Lexi’s head get heavy and her eyes began to close. The doctor was coming in momentarily, so I gently lifted Lexi’s hand out of the solution and laid her down on the examination chair. She fell asleep instantly.

It freaked me out to see her sleeping like that, like she was unconscious at a hospital or something, and I kept my head on her chest just to feel her breathe. When the doctor came in, I explained that she may sleep through the entire procedure, which she did. Every time the little hook went into her finger, she flinched but remained asleep.

All done!

The doctor advised us to come back in 7 days to look at the stitches and said she could attend camp but no swimming while the wound healed. Armed with 5 more lollipops, we were on our way home.

I took her back yesterday for a check-up and when I parked the car in the lot, she said, “You sad, Mommy?” She remembered how emotional I was when we arrived a week ago. Again, I was amazed by her compassion for me in what was surely an emotional and no doubt painful experience for her.

The wound healed nicely but the doctor wanted the stitches in until Friday, just to be safe. Best to make sure none of Lexi’s camp activities cause the stitches to open.

My little girl taught me a lot about being strong and got me thinking about how whiny I get at the littlest ache or pain. Sometimes I forget that we not only teach our kids, but that they teach us, too.

Posted by Dani in Girls, Parenting, Safety and tagged with emergency room, finger in car door, kids are resilient, stitches

This Too Shall Pass

If there is one thing I can tell other parents from my own brief experience it is that this too shall pass. Every discomfort is most definitely temporary in nature. This may be impossible to understand in the middle of a phase, stage or ordeal that is so aggravating you can’t see your way out, but it’s true.

You may hear a parent say that their child caused them to pull out their eyelashes, drive off a cliff or overdose on sedatives but then seconds later, they are shouting from the rooftops about how lucky they are to be this adorably funny and fabulous kid’s parent. It’s just the way it works.

Here are just 10 of the millions of things that too shall pass, whether you believe me or not. Promise!

Nursing every two hours
Teething
Throwing food
Not being able to eat at a restaurant without losing it
Potty training
Weaning off the pacifier
Night waking
Temper Tantrums/Biting/Hitting
Constantly saying “NO”
Refusing to share

Wait, I unscrewed the top of your cup before you were ready?

When Ryan was first born, I would call my mother-in-law begging her to tell me that it wouldn’t be long before Ryan rolled over, sat up, crawled, walked, talked and so on. She promised me that each stage would pass and I spent a lot of time willing it to move faster. People would say to me “Nobody ever walked down the aisle wearing a diaper/sucking on a pacifier” or “Don’t worry so much – once they start talking they will never stop.” So annoying to hear when you’re in the middle of the most trying time with your child, but also so true!

Now I realize the biggest phase that too, shall pass -

Childhood.

And even worse, the free stuff I get to enjoy while they’re young… The desire to hold my hand. The mouth kisses. The ability to grab tushies. The belly laughs. Being called “Mommy” instead of “Mom”. Having all the answers. Holding the power over the TV, Wii, front door, car and refrigerator. Being able to pick out their clothes. Choosing how they spend their time and with whom. Cuddling. Silly dances. Tucking them in. Reading and singing together. First steps. First words. First lost tooth. All of the fabulous firsts. The cute questions. The mispronunciations. The feetsie pajamas. The just-woke-up-from-a-nap look. The ability to make any boo boo feel better with a well-placed hug and Band-Aid. The bubble baths. The constant, ear-splitting noise.

It is so hard to keep it all in perspective when you’re in the middle of the third public tantrum of the day that leaves you drenched with sweat and cursing out loud in a parking lot, but if we try to remind ourselves that this too shall pass, it may feel a bit more tolerable. It is a constant struggle not to change my parenting just because I don’t feel like seeing a tantrum through to the end. But knowing that it will end, whether it’s 5, 10 or 60 minutes later really does help.

Crazy as it may seem, we will one day look back at these times as some of the best of our lives.

Posted by Dani in Childhood Development and tagged with biting, feeding every two hours, hitting, night waking, refusing to share, saying no, tantrums, teething, this too shall pass

A Rebirth

Last month I had dinner with T – a friend I hadn’t seen in exactly a year. She looked fantastic, but I already knew that from the family photo albums she e-mailed every couple of months. We only live 25 minutes from each other, but life moves fast, people take different paths and it gets more difficult to see every friend on a consistent basis. And so we enjoyed catching up over dinner and drinks and effortlessly squeezed twelve months into a couple of hours.

Although we always had easy communication, there was something different about the exchange that dominated our conversation at dinner. I couldn’t put my finger on it until we were walking out of the restaurant.

T and I met during a period of transition in both of our lives – I chose to leave my Public Relations job to pursue a Masters in Education and become an elementary school teacher. I wanted a career that would get inside of me, make a difference and utilize my creativity. T also had a professional background but had recently suffered a pregnancy loss and was reprioritizing her future both personally and professionally. I was 28, married only two years and couldn’t afford to be without a salary for long. T wanted to become a teacher but also wanted to start a family as soon as possible, so we were thrilled to be accepted into an accelerated program cohort at Hunter College that shaved half a year off of the regular Masters program.

When we met on the first day, T was loud, bubbly and not at all shy. She had found out from one of the cohort administrators that there was another 20-something going through a career change and wanted to seek me out. We hit it off pretty quickly and proceeded to have an amazing experience – school is a completely different animal when you go back by choice to focus on an area of interest that excites you. It became our full-time job, we ate, breathed and slept our program.

A few weeks into classes, T announced that she was pregnant. Seconds later, another one of our friends announced her pregnancy. I was thrilled for them. At the time, I had just been through a two-year bout with anxiety, which affected me on a grand scale. I had my first and only panic attack during my engagement party which left me scarred enough that I couldn’t go to a restaurant, on a subway or in a car too long without knowing the nearest “escape” to breathe, or a bathroom. Panic and anxiety is truly debilitating, and it took me years to of therapy and Paxil to get a hold on what was causing it – fear of being the center of attention throughout the engagement/wedding period (which for those of you who know me now know that I don’t seem to have a problem with that now!) and just dealing with big grown-up life changes. It just happened to be overwhelming for me. I lived in constant fear of having another panic attack, which only caused more panic. Along with the theme of life-changes, I had constant anxiety about being pregnant and having children, which I knew was on the horizon for Cory and me.

Along with my desire to teach, I know that this Masters program was a way for me to ease into my fears and conquer them. Being an only child and from a small family, I didn’t grow up around lots of kids. My extended family lived in other states and I had never even held a baby before T had hers! My one wish in life since childhood was to become a Mother, but I was scared. (This also is an obvious connection to the non-hormonal aspects of my postpartum depression after having Ryan.) Forcing myself to learn about child development and eventually stand in front of a classroom was a form of conquering that fear. I put my all into the work and loved every second of it. I had to take a Xanax before my first unassisted lesson in front of first graders but I got through it. Slowly, I worked my way to being a really creative and engaging teacher and felt my nurturing/teaching muscles starting to develop. Eventually, I built up complete confidence in my ability and ended up developing a Star Student program for my 4th grade class as a student teacher and made it my job to make learning fun for these kids. And they loved me!

Very preggo me and some of my 2nd graders (2007)

This was my first step to becoming a parent, at least in my mind.

When T and our other friend announced their pregnancies, I was consumed by their experience. I felt as though I was “practicing” becoming a parent through them. I peppered them with questions about what they were going through physically and emotionally, like a curious child. Our other friend had her baby first, and I was shocked by how small this tiny human being looked. I was afraid to hold her, which is why T’s baby was my first.

When I was pregnant with Ryan, I co-taught 2nd graders in a G&T program in New York City and my life felt full. I left at the end of March 2007, a few weeks before I was due. Those kids had become my life – my practice kids. I had a good idea of how to keep 25 of them disciplined and attentive, but was scared to death that I wouldn’t know how to deal with the one growing inside of me. It took me so long to feel comforable as a parent, especially after PPD, that I never even thought about doing part-time work or anything other than parenting. I became Ryan’s teacher, doing charts and keeping my house organized like a classroom. I realized I was still getting comfortable with the idea of being responsible for a human life and it was about all I could handle.

That’s why it was so interesting to have dinner with T this time around. She got pregnant again quickly and had her second child a month before I had Ryan. Being pregnant together was so cool for me.

Our lives and conversations were always pregnancy and child-focused but when we met this time, it was like we were different people. She is teaching Zumba now and has a big following. She is looking to grow her company and have her own studio. I was explaining my transformation from scared parent to blogging and then starting my business with just hair accessories and then building a website and teaching myself how to run a company. We were still the same family-focused women, but we also had gained a part of our old identity back which was refreshing. We slowly waded back into our individual passions and now are experiencing kind of a rebirth. We didn’t have time to do it, but we made time. We realized that being home is a full-time job, but eventually felt the pull to do something truly for ourselves, which in turn makes us less resentful of the demands of full-time child-rearing. We talked about the kids, but mostly about how they are happy and doing well in school and enjoying their very full, busy (and surely lucky) lives.

I have hopes that one day I’ll own a brick and mortar store, but right now I’m not sure we’re done having kids and I want to be there for all of their important events and milestones, so the business will remain small and manageable. Being home is still my choice and I love it. I’m taking care of myself and our family by being happy and busy. The most incredible part of it all is that I no longer feel like I have nothing to talk about other than the kids. I am the last person on Earth to say there is anything wrong with “just” being at home, but after four years of identifying myself as Mom-only, I finally feel like myself again. Just like the time when I felt my teaching muscles starting to develop, I finally felt my parenting muscles getting strong enough that I could take on a new set of challenges. I never thought I would want it or be able to handle it, but I’m glad I went for it. My life feels much fuller now – my kids are happy and we spend lots of quality time together, I have a business that is growing and it is something that I truly enjoy. Cory and I are putting down roots in our neighborhood and are making friends that we hope will be part of our story for a long time. I feel like I’m contributing to the growth of our family as well as our financial well-being by working at night and being home during the day. Although the business has to remain small for now, I feel like it is a springboard for something bigger once our kids are in school full-time.

So the transformation from the corporate world to teaching to parenting to becoming business owners is an ever-changing landscape and I couldn’t be happier for the success of my good friend T, who rode along with me on my journey from anxious teacher to first-time parent to taking a leap of faith and easing back into the working world. It feels comfortable and happy right here, and it’s so nice to know that someone has been there to see it all unfold.