Reader letters Posts

Reader Letter – Ripping (My Own) Hair Out

This letter really hit home because I dealt with a similar situation with Ryan. Please help this reader with any advice you can offer!

Dear Playing Mom,

My son is 19 months old and he has always been a sweet, kind-hearted child. Just recently, whenever he goes to ”play with” or acknowledge another child, he grabs their face or pulls their hair – HARD. Children usually cry and sometimes it leaves a mark. I stay really close to him and usually catch him right before he does something, but I can’t always grab him in time. Parents glare at me and keep their kids far, far away. Problem is, I totally understand and feel AWFUL! I don’t know what to do other than pulling him away and scolding him – then showing him how to use a gentle touch. It makes me shrivel up inside and want to disappear. He also doesn’t do this at home – ever. If you have any ideas, please please help!

Sincerely,

Ripping My Own Hair Out

_____________________________________________

Dear Ripping My Own Hair Out,

Oh you poor, poor Mommy. I TOTALLY feel you. I am even dealing with this at one of Lexi’s classes with another boy who is doing the same thing. I told the Mom that she’s lucky with me because Lexi is a tough one and that I am willing to let him figure it out a little bit with her as long as nobody gets hurt. I just really feel for this Mom because Ryan had a similar issue.

When Ryan was 2, there was a 9-month period when he began “crashing” into other kids. He had seen the movie Cars and was obsessed (read: OBSESSED) with how the cars crashed into each other. He was in a Mommy and Me class and also had playdates with a circle of friends that he knew since birth. He started crashing into everyone – pushing, shoving, running around and crashing toys into each other… anything and everything was violently crashed into. Every time something happened, I felt like crawling into a hole. He was such a sweet, sweet boy – what had I done? Other kids were falling and being pushed and looking at him like, “I don’t understand” and he just kept on doing it. I took him away from the situation, gave him timeouts (which worked temporarily but did not end the phase) and tried to show him how to properly interact with other children.

I felt inwardly like I was the worst person on Earth. I was embarrassed, flustered and honestly mad that he was acting this way and causing such trouble for us socially! When it eventually ended, I realized that like the child in Lexi’s current class, this was actually his way of communicating with other children and with getting people’s attention. He was ready to stop playing side-by-side with kids and wanted to play with them at this new stage of development. He wanted to interact, but didn’t really know how to do it properly. He literally could not control his hands. It floored me. I wish I could tell you that showing him 3,457 times how to be gentle worked, or that timeouts or keeping him socialized and watching how other children interacted did something, but I’m pretty sure he just needed to grow out of it.

That being said, if other people think I’m insane and there is a decidedly better way of dealing with this situation, please help! I know what this Mommy is feeling like and it’s no picnic.

Posted by Dani in Childhood Development, Parenting, Reader letters and tagged with pulling hair, pushing, reader letter, toddler behavior

Bellies and Nails and Ears… Oh My!

I admit – I’ve been totally MIA. I’m coordinating this event at Ryan’s school in a few weeks where I’m also a vendor and between that, the kids and the biz, I’m realizing how much I suck at multitasking. (Cory yelling in the background that I suck at laundry, too.)

Here’s what you missed:

1. I joined Weight Watchers because ~~all of my excuses ran out~~ I know it works. The fracture in my foot healed so exercise was once again an option and I could no longer make sense of why I needed to buy all new winter clothes EVERY year for the past 6 years. So now I sit on Saturday mornings with my emotional-eating-comrades and so far so good. Week 1, down 6 lbs. But I’m terrified to eat outside of my house without my little scale and my nutritional labels. Baby steps.

2. I got acrylic nails for the first time in 5 years. I am tired of chewing on my nails (I don’t know how many WW points they would be anyway – it’s not in the book) and it just makes me feel better to look at them all shiny and long. Except the manicurist must cut them down next time. Making hair bows is more difficult, as is taking out my contacts and picking my nose. All important things.

3. I have been so slow responding to your reader letters. Here is one I thought I would highlight, even though I’m pretty sure I didn’t answer the question correctly.

“Since you have a boy and a girl, what noticeable differences (if any) can you tell between the sexes at this age?”

Aside from their genitals, which are noticeably different, I’d say that although Ryan gravitates toward traditional “boy” toys and Alexa to traditional “girl” toys, I think it’s all a crock and may have to do more with environment than people think. They are both extremely active children who love the others’ toys just as much if not more. My son said “after Spiderman, I want to be Rainbow Dash for Halloween” and my daughter is obsessed with superheroes and anything with wheels. The only reason Alexa acts “girly” is because after I put her in some ridiculous tutu or costume, I gush over how pretty she is and march her right to the mirror because I am pushing my “I wish I was girly instead of tomboyish as a child” issues onto her. I do think kids are very much a product of their environment, although I do notice how Alexa likes pretty, shiny things and Ryan likes to be rough-and-tumble. We, as parents, are the ones who introduce the ideas of colors, toys, shows and other things as being masculine or feminine. Oh, and I don’t want to forget birth order. Instead of sitting still and coloring like Ryan’s girl friends did at this age, Alexa runs around like a nut most of the day. I’m assuming her older brother has something to do with it.

4. My daughter has her 5th ear infection in 4 months. If this stronger antibiotic doesn’t work, we have to at least look into an ENT appt. I’m certain this is affecting her hearing and/or speech which is only going to prolong her currently awesome tantrums when she can’t express herself as the months go by. Oh, and of course her pain. We no likey the pain and the screaming.

Ugh, damn, I can’t scratch the inside of my ear with these nails, either!

Okay, off to watch Up All Night from last week and then stay up all night procrastinating and doing minimal work – YAY!

xoxo,

Posted by Dani in Randomness that doesn't fit into a category, Reader letters and tagged with acrylic nails, ear infections, I miss picking my nose, Weight Watchers

Reader Letter – Boys and their Toys

UPDATE: I ADDED A FEW HELPFUL ARTICLES ON THIS SUBJECT ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE… https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Playing-Mom/187972617887257

So I’m in the middle of a post on discipline, but I’m THISCLOSE to launching my store website (thinking September 1 as the launch date)… point being, I’m too lazy to finish my post at the moment. So sorry, but I’m just sooooooooo excited about my site, working really hard on everything and I can’t wait to share it with all of you!

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a post ready to go for you. I happened to receive a reader letter from someone I actually know this morning, so of course I have to post it. Please help a dear friend with a problem that she’s having…

My 4 1/2 year old son is a good, smart, outgoing and generally happy kid. He has gone to nursery school since he was 1 1/2 and gets only the most amazing reports from his teachers. He does great at playdates when we go to other people’s houses, and he has great playdates with girls at our house. But when another boy his same age comes into his “territory”, he becomes a complete and total nightmare. I’ve seen this happen with him so often that I’m afraid to invite anyone over. We’ve had to cut playdates short and ask kids/parents to go home because he won’t let another kid touch any of his stuff. He literally growls at them and swipes the toys out of their hands. He tells the other kid that he wants him to go home. Before the playdate he acts very excited that the other boy is coming to play and then as soon as the other kid enters our house he flips out. I try every bit of discipline I’ve got – threats, bribes, time-outs – and nothing works to get him back to being himself. I really just don’t know what to do. Any advice out there? I’m at my wits end.

I’m going to withhold my own advice and see what my readers have to say. Okay, go!

Posted by Dani in Boys, Reader letters and tagged with playdate fights, territorial toddler

Reader Letter – Lonelyville

To the Mommy stuck in Lonelyville,

Usually I’d just write back a personal response, but – LUCKY YOU! – I decided to draw it out and turn your letter into a post because I’m really feeling you right now and I’m sure others are, too.

I’m a new Mom with a 4 month old daughter and I feel really lonely most days. I love spending time with her, but I could really use some adult conversation. I go to the park in my neighborhood, but haven’t met anyone yet who I clicked with to the point that we’d exchange info or anything. How did you meet people when Ryan was born?

I totally feel you and wish I could come over and play right now! Don’t despair – there are people out there – you just haven’t met them yet.

Now I can’t exactly tell if you’re on maternity leave and heading back to work or if you’re at home for the long haul, but it doesn’t really matter because people everywhere are looking for friends – weekday or weekend – you just need to look in the right places (and I will help you find some of those places – and hopefully some commenters will, too!)

One thing I will stress is that when looking for new friends, you have to keep an open mind. The first few people I met didn’t seem like my “usual” kind of friend and I thought all we had in common was that we had babies in the Spring of ’07, but those were the same girls that invited my depressed, lost, cheerless self into their homes and kept forcing me to attend gatherings of human beings and for that I am forever grateful. And surprise, surprise – I am still in contact with them.

All I wanted when I went on my “find a friend” ~~rampage~~ search was someone who lived close to me. Preferably someone who thought I was worth spending time with. Like, every day. And maybe we would have sleepovers. With wine. And go on vacations together. Perhaps a Mommy BFF who wanted to wear the other half of my heart necklace. Okay but really, I just wanted to meet one freaking person who got me excited about being at home with my kid and made me want to shower and get dressed and get outside. And someone who definitely wanted to chat about more than breastfeeding, napping and poop. Although that would be allowed, of course. A lot of pressure for that one person, but whatever, that would be their problem.

I found two such people. G lived in my apartment building and I met LB in a baby class. They pretty much restored sanity to my life. They both had baby girls born in March and we would take walks, go to the playground and to lunch.

Our first friends - G, LB and their beautiful daughters at our apartment for a BBQ

Eventually, G went back to work but we still hung out at night and on weekends, LB and I met other people through our baby class and a bunch of us joined music and gym classes together, went to lunch and found tons of places to hang out in the area.

With time, our circle of friends expanded. I knew this would be my Mommy support system – I knew there were girls out there that I could depend on if I needed to drop Ryan off in an emergency, if I needed a doctor recommendation or just to talk. To this day, I consider some of them my closest friends. Not all remained – some moved out of the area, others went back to work and naturally some of us simply grew apart, but each one made a profound difference in my life and for that I am so thankful that we crossed paths.

It felt so amazing to create a new life for myself. It was hard work, but it needed to be done. I had gone from having a work schedule, a community of people and a place to go every day to waking up and … well, nothing.

I actually need to work at this again, now that the 4-year-old set is in camp all day and Lexi and I talk openly about how she needs some friends. I’m currently stalking a woman from our MyGym class and begging my neighbor to pop out her 3 month old fetus now so we can hang out. Nevermind that she has a 6 year old and a 4 year old in camp and probably wants to enjoy her quiet summer before she goes back to work. But that doesn’t stop me.

I’m close to printing a sign and hanging it on all of the neighborhood trees with a sad looking picture of Alexa beneath the bold headline “Looking For Friends”, and my contact info on it. For sure someone would contact me immediately. Probably the police, but someone nevertheless.

Okay, I’m sure you’re thrilled that I turned your letter into a post, because in no way have I answered your question and you’ve been reading this for waaayyy too long and you’re annoyed because you could have been out making friends and instead I’m disappointing you.

So here goes…

1. Meetup.com

Meetup is a website where you can find groups of people from Pet Lovers to Singles Over 50 to Lonely Mommies like you. By zip code! So try a search there and be creative with your search terms. Just be careful if you join a group that only has 1 or 2 members. It very well may be a startup, but if the group was founded a year ago and nobody has joined, you’re probably not going to find what you’re looking for.

2. Stroller Strides

Stroller Strides is a way for you to get back into the exercise game, meet other people and use your baby as a dumbbell. Just kidding, sort of. Check it out – they are all over the country and you can take a free trial to see what it’s all about.

3. Music Together

Music Together is an internationally recognized music and movement program for babies through kindergartners and their caregivers. There are tons of music programs out there, and I tried to stay away after something like 5 semesters with Ryan because I was afraid of a growing addiction (I actually started listening to the CDs in the car by myself when I didn’t even have to) but I’m back there again with Alexa and loving it.

4. Search out your local YMCA, library, church, synagogue, other place of worship or community center. You may be surprised at just how many free or low cost classes are offered just minutes away. Especially at the library – you can find everything from Storytime to Zumba to Drivers Ed.

5. Pick up your town’s free parenting magazines. There are lots of community events going on throughout the year and you can get great ideas about where to go (once you’ve made that friend to share your necklace with). Everything from farms to museums to playgrounds to gym classes (The Little Gym, MyGym, Gymboree, etc.) to indoor play spaces can be found inside these little gems.

6. Websites. I have a bunch of sites bookmarked that have great ideas for places to go and things to do in my area. One of these is Mommy Poppins… but obviously do your own search (although I’d love to hang with you!) Online Birth Clubs are another way to meet people. I have friends who have a whole online support system from BabyCenter and BabyZone. There is also the MOMS Club. Play around a bit…

One final thought – treat this like you’re scouring the Mommy Dating Scene. You’ll get out of it what you put into it. Talk to people at Birthday parties, say hello on the street, ask people you know if they know anyone. If you’re like me and give off a stand-offish vibe when you meet a new person and cannot imagine blurting out, “It was great meeting you – let’s get the kids together!”, you’ll have to get over it. Now is the time to be your most outgoing self. Try not to make decisions based on how she carries her baby everywhere in a sling, co-sleeps, breastfeeds exclusively and makes her own baby food while you maybe can’t imagine doing any of that. That doesn’t make you opposites, you just have different parenting styles. The woman who doesn’t seem like your “normal type of friend” may just be the one who helps you out of Lonelyville.

Good luck!

P.S. Anyone else, please comment with suggestions. I am more than confident that I’ve left out other great ways to meet people.

Posted by Dani in Babies, Parenting, Reader letters, Women and tagged with baby classes, Gymboree, lonely new Mom, making Mom friends, Music Together, MyGym, parenting classes, The Little Gym, YMCA

Reader Letters – Transition Tantrums

Three tantrum letters this week – must be April Break!

Banging your head against the wall because you’re trying to balance three kids on your lap while you pee?

Faking a migraine because you just.can’t.play Tea Party for the 4,512th time?

Sucks to be you!

No but really, tantrums are hard. You’re definitely not alone. I was really lucky with Ryan because he never threw himself on the floor and kicked and screamed. Maybe because he’s not wired that way. Maybe because I staved off the tantrums by using some of the tricks I’ll share with you. Who knows?

I’m going to zero in on transition tantrums. All three letters dealt with transitions – from leaving the playground to Daddy leaving for work to going in the car to do errands.

Here are 5 tricks you can try (and please comment with your own tips/successes/failures - the best support is support from people who have been there). If these don’t work, send me an e-mail and I’ll go over your specific situation and try to help!

1. Give notice. One of the major triggers for a meltdown is to spring on your kid that you’re leaving without any notice. Picture this: You’re at the beach. Bobby is building a sandcastle and is about to make a moat when you quickly pack up your stuff, tap him on the shoulder and say “We’re leaving now. Please grab your sippy cup and let’s go.”

If I was sipping a vodka cranberry poolside and someone yanked it out of my hand and said, “Time’s up, lady! I need you off the premises immediately!” I’d surely be pissed.

Kids thrive on routine and structure and need to know what’s coming next in their day to help them feel secure. Rather than suddenly announcing your departure, give a ten minute warning so that they can get used to the idea of leaving. They may protest, but it won’t be such a shock when it’s actually time to go. Then give another warning at 5 minutes. This gives them time to finish what they were doing, say goodbye to friends and mentally prepare to leave. A one-minute warning should finish up the job. No negotiations for more minutes. You gave ample time. It’s no longer a shock and your child will feel he/she had some control.

2. Give information. This goes hand-in-hand with giving notice. Tell your child what’s coming next and what you expect. For example, if Becky throws a tantrum every time you leave for work, give her some information to make her feel respected and give her something to look forward to. “Becky, I’m leaving for work in five minutes because I have to make my train. I’ll miss you, but I know you’ll have a great day. I will see you at 6 o’ clock, so be ready for a Tickle Party!”

3. Don’t feed the fire. If you drag out the goodbye, let Becky hang on your leg, give her ten hugs and repeat, “I know, I’ll miss you too! This is horrible! I wish I didn’t have to go to work and we could play Tickle Party all day!” as you drag her across the floor, she will try and squeeze every last bit of time with you out and you’ll end up with ripped, tear-stained pants. Be calm. Leave quickly. Don’t look back. Once Becky sees that her show won’t get her anywhere, she will stop putting it on for you. It may take a few times, but she’ll stop if you stay consistent. Promise.

4. Give a limited choice. Children like to have a say in things, to control situations instead of being controlled. If two tasks have to be done, let the child choose which comes first. “Okay Liz, would you like to brush your teeth first or put on your pajamas?”

5. Make the tasks more fun. If Benjamin throws a fit when it’s time to get dressed for school, make it into a game. Put on a timer and see how quickly you can get him dressed together. See if he can do it before you complete ten jumping jacks.

If your baby can’t stand laying on the changing table, make up a silly getting dressed song complete with ridiculous faces and belly kisses. Put the (clean!) diaper on the baby’s head to make her laugh. Put her shirt on her feet. Babies like the unexpected.

So, in conclusion – if you try any of these, or the combination of all 5 and you’re still getting nowhere, just look at your kid and yell, “WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU’RE LUCKY I DON’T SHOVE YOU RIGHT BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM YOU TINY, LOUD INGRATE!”

That should do the trick.

Posted by Dani in Reader letters and tagged with 5 minute warning, tantrums, transitions

Reader Letter – Guys and Dolls

Dear Playing Mom,

Did Ryan ever play with dolls or traditional “girl” toys? My 3 year old son does, and it doesn’t bother me too much but other people make comments about it.,

Dear Reader-Who-Is-Afraid-Son-Is-Gay,

Yes. Ryan has a baby doll named “Goopy” who has a penis and functional bladder thanks to my friend LB. She gave it to him for his 1st Birthday. He pushed that doll around in a stroller until he was 3. I’m sure he still would if the stroller didn’t break. I’m also sure Goopy will get a second chance at action when Lexi starts with the stroller crap. Let those “other people” (your parents, right?) make comments. Playing with dolls won’t make your son gay, contrary to what they may think. If he’s gay, he was gay on the day he was born. Dolls didn’t do it to him.

Oh yeah – Ryan watches My Little Pony and has told me numerous times that he wishes he were a girl so that he could wear those sparkly light-up Skechers and have a Strawberry Shortcake RC vehicle that he sees on commercials. He also loves crashing his matchbox cars, lasering everything like he’s Buzz Lightyear, fighting crime with his Superman and playing with dinosaurs. My take? He spends a lot of time with Mommy, a nurturer, and Daddy, a (semi)evolved man who wears pink on occasion and likes cuddling as much as wrestling. I think that the key to our boys becoming good friends, citizens, husbands and Daddies is to allow them to show emotion, rather than constantly hearing the call to “toughen up”. Girls don’t get nearly the reaction as boys when they play with trucks, dress like “tomboys” or watch shows starring superheroes. We should allow our sons’ play to cross traditional gender lines without having them fear our disapproval.

-PM

Goopy on Ryan's "minibike"

Feeding Goopy his bottle

P.S. If your son is older and seems uncomfortable in his own skin, you may enjoy reading Sarah Hoffman’s blog. She is Playing Mom to a gender non-conforming boy and chronicles her experience with raising him in today’s world. Some people take issue with Sarah writing about her child in a public forum that may one day follow him in unflattering ways, be he gay or straight. It’s not my job to judge her decisions, so feel free to take a look if you’re so inclined: http://www.sarahhoffmanwriter.com/ and http://www.sarahhoffmanwriter.com/sarah-hoffmans-blog/

Posted by Dani in Reader letters and tagged with boys and dolls, gender non-conforming, gender-specific toys, Goopy, Sarah Hoffman

Picky Eater update – he ate tomato sauce!

Got an overwhelming personal response to my recent post on picky eating (next time do me a favor and comment on the blog so everyone can see!) and wanted to post an update that kind of goes along with Jessica’s comment about veggies hidden in tomato sauce. Of course Jessica scores points with me because she actually cooks, rather than just prepares, but we all know how I feel about cooking. Moving on…

Last night, I introduced Ryan to a meal that I picked up at Whole Foods in the frozen aisle as I was whizzing by – Kidfresh Totally Twisted Pasta + Meatballs. It was aesthetically pleasing, all natural with tons of hidden veggies inside. I had plain pasta waiting in the wings so I figured why not try a whole meal?

He ate about a quarter of the pasta and none of the meatballs. I considered it a wild success because Ryan had never eaten a tomato or allowed tomato sauce to cross his palate. WIN!

Fast forward to this morning. I woke up, scrolled sleepily through my e-mails and stopped when saw a message from a guy I went to college with that was in Cory’s fraternity. Apparently he and his wife are fans of my blog. He was a senior when I was a freshman and I was slightly in love with him and his two friends (sorry beautiful-wife-who-reads-my-blog, but I’m sure you know he’s a nice looking dude and of course you’re gorgeous – sigh). Anyway, he is involved with Kidfresh and wanted to suggest something new for Ryan’s rotation.

I asked if he was somehow in my kitchen last night because I had just introduced Ryan to Kidfresh.

Nope, just a weird coincidence. He suggested I cut up the meatballs and sneak them in on a fork and sprinkle some parm cheese on top. There are more meal varieties coming out soon as well and we’ll be sure to try again. Did I mention Ryan had tomato sauce?!?

Run, don’t walk, to the site to print out a coupon and check out the product line.

Enjoy!

Posted by Dani in Buy This!, Reader letters and tagged with Kidfresh, picky eater, tomato sauce, Whole Foods

Reader Letter – Picky Eaters

Thought you may have interest in this one since it affects so many of us – the picky toddler’s meal rotation. As you’ll see, I don’t have all the answers, but maybe you can provide tricks that worked for you and together we can help broaden our kids’ menus!

My son just turned 2 and will only eat chicken nuggets and pasta with butter. I don’t know if it’s just normal picky eating but he won’t try anything new! What kinds of food did Ryan eat at that age? Any ideas for me?

Hmmm… Ryan also has his “rotation” (pictures below) but he’s a pretty good eater in general. I don’t have the answers to miraculously get your son to eat asparagus or filet of sole but my method consists of making Ryan at least try something new once every week or two. I introduce the new food in a single piece on a plate of food that he already likes – this way, I don’t have to throw out the entire dinner and start over again. I tell him that if he puts it in his mouth and doesn’t like it, I won’t make him eat it anymore – no questions asked. This has resulted in “Hey, I like it!” maybe 2 out of 5 times with the other 3 times consisting of food being spit back onto his plate. Not bad, I guess.

It always amused me when family members suggested that Ryan stop eating the same things all the time – give him a carrot, have him try some hummus, surely he’ll eat salad… I would say I’ve tried and he just doesn’t like it - yet. I do believe eventually he will broaden his taste in cuisine but for now, I generally stick with what he likes so I don’t become a short-order cook.

Ryan’s current breakfast rotation - mini bagel with cream cheese/butter, oatmeal with raisins, waffles, yogurt, french toast sticks

Lunch – peanut butter/sunbutter and jelly, cream cheese and jelly, turkey in a tortilla wrap with american cheese and Goddess dressing, mac n cheese, challah with butter, yogurt, popcorn chicken, grilled cheese, hot dog, chicken patty sandwich, pizza

Dinner (some overlap with lunch) – popcorn chicken (baby food carrots mixed into his ketchup), pasta with chicken, hot dog, fish sticks, pizza, mac n cheese, broccoli and cheese ravioli (pretty much the only vegetable he eats b/c he doesn’t realize it’s there)

Sides (at least one in every meal) - bananas, strawberries, cheese sticks, applesauce

Side note – Ryan doesn’t like cereal which I think is kind of funny. I thought it was just because of the sogginess when it mixes with the milk, but it’s actually cereal in general. Don’t kids usually like cereal?

Please feel free to include your rotations as a comment below because I’m sure you have some great ideas we all could learn from. In the meantime, I’ve listed some of the brands that we love below:

Posted by Dani in Reader letters

Reader letter – taming tantrums

Hi Dani,

I’m not sure if you’re taking suggestions, but would love to hear your input on how to deal with mega-tantrums. My daughter has been having fierce tantrums – the kind where she screams, cries, jumps up and down for 30-60 minutes – they are ugly. It would be nice to hear how you deal with them.

Okay, so don’t hate me but fortunately Ryan never went the mega-tantrum route and Alexa isn’t quite there yet. So you may wonder – why the hell would I write about this as a blog topic? Well, one – I have friends who have been through it and know what worked and what didn’t and two – I’m watching the Eagles game and can’t think of anything else to write about this evening

Oh wait and three – maybe my dear readers can help you.

First of all, don’t take it personally. Tantrums are a normal part of development and temperament and have nothing to do with your parenting! Now, I’d love to know what sparks the tantrums and what you currently do to help stop them. Are there consequences? Time outs? Do you engage her in the middle of a tantrum? Do you know what sets her off?

I’ve found that the biggest mistakes we as parents make is to try and reason with our children or to completely lose it and freak out as well. One thing you must know is that when your child is out of control, they are actually looking to you to help him/her regain control. Try to model good coping skills around her whenever possible. Children learn from watching adults around them and chances are if you erupt easily, so will your child.

Another good habit is to tell your child what you expect of her behavior in different situations. If you go to a playdate at someone’s house , let your child know that she is expected to share, take turns and respect others’ property and remind her of any consequences if she doesn’t behave.

Here are 5 methods that you can try if “Ooh, look at this colorful distracting ball!” just doesn’t cut it anymore:

1. Ignore. Even if you’re in a supermarket and she’s literally throwing cans of corn because she wants a cookie and you tell her it’s too close to dinnertime. A tantrum is a performance for an audience. If she doesn’t have an audience, the tantrum is worthless to her. Don’t engage – let it run its course. It may take a few minutes, but it will stop. If you must remove her from the scene because she’s doing something to endanger herself or others, do it quickly and calmly. But always stay close to your child. She needs you during this outpouring of intense emotions.

2. Don’t reason with her and stay consistent. If you engage during or give in after a tantrum, she will only learn that screaming and carrying on is a surefire way to get what she wants.

3. Try to identify triggers and keep a mental note of them – for example, common triggers are fatigue and hunger. Many tantrums occur as a result of trying to fit in just one more errand when your child is exhausted and obviously done for the day. Or it’s been hours since she had something to eat and you didn’t bring a snack. (Think about how you get when your stomach starts rumbling and your blood sugar drops. Want to throw your laptop at someone? Same with your kid.)

4. Stay calm. Tantrums are meant to get attention. If you have to engage to give a consequence or enforce a time out, don’t allow your child to see any negative effect on you or she will feel empowered. Keep your ego out of it and try to stay emotionally detached from the event. Once the tantrum is over, show her understanding and compassion and move on.

Yes, it sucks when you know everyone is looking at you like you’re beating your child while concurrently wondering how it’s humanly possible to sweat this much. But those people either don’t have kids, are kids themselves or had them so long ago that they don’t remember. I’ve witnessed these scenes countless times. When I didn’t have kids, I was one of the ones who reacted in horror at the site of a kid thrashing on the floor of a restaurant. Now I just give a sympathetic smile and thank G-d that it’s not my child that day.

5. Try to help your child navigate her world a little easier. Many tantrums start as a result of a child being denied something that they want, but another frequent reason is frustration about not being able to do something on their own or being able to express themselves. One thing that works for me is giving choices and alternatives. The choices are meant to yield a result that you approve of, but it gives your child a sense of autonomy. For example, “Do you want to brush your teeth before or after your bath?” or “Would you like to have your chicken nuggets with applesauce or sweet potatoes?”

Most importantly, choose your battles. Is it so awful that she wants to wear mismatched pajamas or put cream cheese on her bagel by herself? Sometimes it’s best to listen to what your child is requesting and weigh whether it’s worth it to lay down the law. Let me know if any of these work for you and update us on how it goes!

Posted by Dani in Reader letters and tagged with choices, choose your battles, control, tantrums

Reader Letter: Sleep Training

I received an e-mail this morning from a reader who is currently going through sleep training:

Hi Dani.

I am trying to sleep train my 7 month old son and it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I have an older daughter who is 4 and their rooms are next to each other. I don’t want to wake her, so when the crying goes on too long, I go into the baby’s room, get him and bring him into my room where he falls asleep in our bed pretty quickly. My husband and I really need sleep and we’re at our wits’ end. What am I doing wrong that our son falls asleep in our bed but not in his crib? Is your daughter still sleeping well? I enjoyed reading your experience with sleep training, but I don’t know if it will work for me.

Okay, now first of all, I am no Baby Whisperer, but you asked so I will give you my advice. And in case you couldn’t tell yet, I tend to be wordy so go get yourself a cup of coffee before you sit down to read this. I am also responding in a post instead of an e-mail reply because I feel that other readers can benefit from what we’ve both gone through with sleep training. It sucks, plain and simple. No two ways about it.

Now you left out some key information that I would need to know before giving my opinion, but I’ll do the best that I can. For example, are you letting him cry it out and for how long? Are you feeding him in the middle of the night? How many times does he wake up? Does he take a paci or does he have a lovey in his crib? Do you and your husband mind the “shared bed” situation or are you doing it because you just want sleep? Does your daughter actually wake up or are you just worried that she will? How long have you been sleep training? Has he come into your bed every night since birth or is this a new thing?

Here are my thoughts:

1. Your 7 month old is definitely not waking from hunger. Unless it is medically necessary to feed him (meaning he was born premature or isn’t growing properly and you need to up his calories, etc) he is simply used to your feeding him or if you’re not feeding him, he’s used to the routine of waking, crying and coming into your bed. Most doctors agree that around 3 months, a baby does not need night feedings. Some lean closer to 6 months, but your son has passed both stages. He is not starving. I promise. You might recall that once Lexi slept through the night, there were mornings where she woke up playing in her crib and didn’t cry to be fed for upwards of a half hour to an hour.

2. The crying is painful. It’s almost as painful as not sleeping for 7 months. You must keep the end goal in mind – are you willing to disrupt what are already sleepless nights for you for possibly a week so that everyone can get a good night’s rest? Yes, your son comes into bed with you to sleep but if this isn’t your end goal, we need to find a way to keep him in his crib so that you and your husband don’t have a guest every night until he’s 6 years old. That being said, people who choose to co-sleep find that it’s a wonderful thing but it seems like you and your husband would like your bed back.

You are also worried that your 4 year old daughter will wake up from hearing the crying. This may very well happen (Ryan slept through the sleep training even though I was positive he couldn’t sleep through that screaming) but honestly, she will be okay. Put on a white noise machine. Have her sleep in a different room for a couple of nights. She is old enough that you can explain the situation to her and you can reward her with something in the end for being a team player. A few middle-of-the-night wake-ups will not hurt her in the long run. Kids are resilient, I think we as parents don’t give them enough credit.

3. Your son is used to this routine and it needs to be changed. Change is hard. Imagine if you were forced to sleep on your husband’s side of the bed for the rest of your life. Or you had to stop using pillows. Or the cold water faucet switched to the left side of the sink. Or the gas pedal and brake were switched. I could go on and on but all of these things might turn your world upside down for a period of time, but eventually you would get used to it. I may not win popularity points with Moms who are adamantly against sleep training of any kind, but you’d get used to it because you would have no other choice. Remind yourself that a good night’s sleep is healthy for your child – for growth and development. This is a temporary bump in the road on the way to happier parents and a happier baby.

4. I thought that the Ferber method was great, despite my constant fears, guilt and hysteria over possibly causing irreparable damage to my child (see http://www.playingmom.com/2010/10/17/guilty/). I went into Lexi’s room after increasingly longer intervals and made sure she wasn’t wet, stuffy or uncomfortable. I made sure that it was my presence that was calming so that I knew she was okay. After sleep training ended, she still gave me the most beautiful smile in the mornings, we are still in love and most importantly, well rested. No damage there.

**Yes, Alexa still sleeps through the night. Do I think she’ll never have night wakings again? No, teething will probably cause some issues and toddlerhood also brings a host of sleep challenges, but she sleeps through the night. All by herself. If she wakes up, I don’t know about it because she now knows how to self-soothe.**

5. If your son doesn’t take a paci, maybe a lovey will work. There are some crazy things called Snoedels that I think personally look like KKK members but it’s this thing that you “wear” on your person (under your shirt, whatever) for a couple of nights so it captures your scent and then when you give it to your baby, he/she feels like you’re there with them. There are alternatives, but I thought this was a cool idea. Lexi never used a paci until some magical morning at 6 months when she changed her mind, but she also has her pink monkey in bed with her. This is only my opinion – I don’t like blankets and other items in the bed because of the fear of SIDS, but once your child can turn his/her head, roll over and bat things away from his/her face, I feel comfortable having a small lovey in the crib with no button eyes or other choking hazards. If your son does take a paci, try to pop it in his mouth while he’s groggy but not yet asleep. I used to sprinkle 3 pacis in Ryan’s crib so that if he woke up in the middle of the night wanting it, he could find one within reach.

6. All this babble means nothing if you are not CONSISTENT. It is the only possible way to succeed in sleep training. If I had gone into Lexi’s room for just one second to feed her after a particularly loud 45 minutes in which I couldn’t take it anymore, do you know what she would learn? She would learn that she would just have to cry a little longer to get food. Your son knows that when he wakes up, no matter how long he cries, he will end up in your bed and that is what he wants. You need to stay consistent and let him get used to the idea that no matter how long he cries or stays awake, the end location will be his crib. It sounds so mean and awful but he is not in pain, he just needs to break a habit. Keep thinking back to my example of sleeping without a pillow… it’s simply a re-learning process.

This is my last piece of advice and it may sound a little harsh (it’s general advice, not just to you as an individual) - if you find it difficult to be consistent, I beg you not to get frustrated with your child. When a parent is not consistent, it gives a child mixed messages. It is the parent’s fault, not the child’s, that the child is not succeeding with sleep training. If I had gotten used to sleeping without a pillow after 4 days and then someone gave it back to me for one night and then took it away again, I’d be pissed. I’d ask for that pillow all over again and wouldn’t stop asking because I’d assume that one day I’d get it back.

This is the same deal with the paci, with diapers, with anything and everything. If you cannot commit to something 100 percent, don’t even bother. It won’t work and everyone will be frustrated in the end. Believe me, I cried and second-guessed myself but I did not stray from my goal, as hard as that was to go through. You can do it! I promise! I’m here for you and I believe you can do it. Let me know how it goes and good luck!

Posted by Dani in Reader letters and tagged with consistency, reader letter, sleep training, Snoedels