My heart goes out to all of the families affected today – those that lost their loved ones, and those lives that will forever be altered as a result of the unimaginable tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School. This is an older article with some advice about how to handle difficult conversations with your children.
Regarding the senseless Colorado shooting early this morning -
What causes someone to take innocent people’s lives away? And can we, as parents, do anything about it?
Is it lack of attention, love or support from friends and family? Mental illness? Alienation? Low self-esteem? A desire for power over others? Whatever the shooter’s back story, whether it rewinds to his childhood or not, it all comes down to one simple truth that we as parents and educators must try our hardest to instill in our children from the very beginning – be nice to people and have compassion. Sounds easy, but it’s harder to put into practice than it seems.
Teach your kids that their words not only have the capacity to hurt but to heal.
Model compassionate behavior for your children.
Communicate with them. Try to listen without dismissing their feelings, no matter how trivial their problem seems.
I honestly don’t believe that some people are born bad. I think that a person’s life experiences are directly related to their behavior. Everyone at their core just wants to be liked and to be happy. I truly believe that.
If you see warning signs with your child of bullying or being bullied, hanging out with the “wrong” crowd, showing signs of anxiety or depression – do something about it. Scary as it may be, as parents we are entrusted with our children’s lives, and our influence lasts well beyond childhood. No, we can’t stop all of the violence in the world, but we can be a safe haven where our children can feel comfortable knowing they have an ally. Too many times it seems people cry out for help and nobody hears. We can’t stop everyone from hurting others with their words and actions, but we can begin by letting our children know that we are there for them, even when it seems the rest of the world is not. Even as our children become adults, we must stay involved in their lives and take note of any behaviors that throw up a red flag.
I don’t know all of the details of this story – they will trickle out as authorities speak with the shooter’s family, friends and acquaintances, but I have no doubts that warning signs were aplenty as his Mother was quoted as saying, “You have the right person.”
What do you think? Do we have the power to influence our children into adulthood? Are there some people that are simply “bad seeds” or do you believe underneath every violent act there is a cry for help?
I’m pretty sure that guilt is slamming your kid’s finger in a car door and then hearing HER apologize to YOU while planting kisses all over your face and repeating, “Make it all better, Mommy.”
Such was last Wednesday.
It was picture day at camp. Lexi wore her camp shirt (which doubled as a nightgown) and when I picked her up, she was happy as could be. “I had fun, Mommy.” “Camp is fun always.” “I smile in picture.” Great!
I carry her to the car, nuzzling her. It’s three hours that she’s away from me and I miss my buddy. I open the back door on her side and realize the guy to the left of me is parked way too close and is starting his engine. He puts the car in gear and starts rolling out. I noticed he didn’t see us, so I jumped back quickly because I didn’t want the car to hit us. My backward motion caused the back door of the car to close. I hear Lexi crying and it takes three seconds to realize it is because half of her finger is missing… on the other side of the door.
I open it and yell for the nearest staff member, who runs us to the nurse. After what seems like forever, she gets the bleeding to stop. We have blood all over both of us and all I want to know is if her finger is in one piece, but I can’t see the tip of it. They take a cursory look at the gash and announce that she will probably need stitches and an X-ray to see if it’s broken. I am eerily calm and nod my head, holding Lexi and telling her it’s okay.
The second I get her in the car on the way to urgent care, the tears start coming. I pull over, temporarily blinded. It is the worst feeling I’ve felt as a parent – my child is hurt, and I caused it. Sure, I was trying to keep us safe, but knowing the pain she was feeling hurt my heart so deeply, I was surprised by my own choking sobs. I called Cory and he begged me to hold it together and be strong for Lexi. Five minutes later, we arrived and sat in the waiting room – me crying softly, Lexi sitting facing me on my lap, nuzzling my cheek.
“I sorry, Mommy.” “Finger hurt.”
More sobs coming from me. In five years as a parent, I never had more than a scraped knee to deal with and this was just awful.
We were a sweaty, teary mess when we got into the examination room. Lexi waited patiently and stared at her bandaged finger with a small Dora sticker on it. The TV went on and the nurse brought her three lollipops.
“I want red.”
Two minutes later, “I done, Mommy. Now orange.”
And then, “I done. Purple now.”
We went for x-rays and my little angel sat on the table draped in a vest and held her little hand still while the technician took pictures. I couldn’t believe how calm and sweet she was being while her finger undoubtedly throbbed with pain.
Nothing fractured, but the gaping hole would need stitches.
Before the doctor could stitch her finger, Lexi had to sit for 15 minutes with her hand in some cleaning solution. She watched Nick Jr. patiently, not moving at all. Every few seconds, she would pucker up for a kiss and I swelled with love at this little being. When the doctor injected her finger with anesthesia, she let out a cry but nothing compared to how I would react in the same situation. Kids are amazing.
By now it was nearing 2 o’clock and the events of the day were beginning to wear on us both. During one of her hugs, I felt Lexi’s head get heavy and her eyes began to close. The doctor was coming in momentarily, so I gently lifted Lexi’s hand out of the solution and laid her down on the examination chair. She fell asleep instantly.
It freaked me out to see her sleeping like that, like she was unconscious at a hospital or something, and I kept my head on her chest just to feel her breathe. When the doctor came in, I explained that she may sleep through the entire procedure, which she did. Every time the little hook went into her finger, she flinched but remained asleep.
All done!
The doctor advised us to come back in 7 days to look at the stitches and said she could attend camp but no swimming while the wound healed. Armed with 5 more lollipops, we were on our way home.
I took her back yesterday for a check-up and when I parked the car in the lot, she said, “You sad, Mommy?” She remembered how emotional I was when we arrived a week ago. Again, I was amazed by her compassion for me in what was surely an emotional and no doubt painful experience for her.
The wound healed nicely but the doctor wanted the stitches in until Friday, just to be safe. Best to make sure none of Lexi’s camp activities cause the stitches to open.
My little girl taught me a lot about being strong and got me thinking about how whiny I get at the littlest ache or pain. Sometimes I forget that we not only teach our kids, but that they teach us, too.
Penn Station NYC during Rush Hour
I had the pleasure of taking Ryan into the city this afternoon, which included a 1 hour train ride, some subways and a lot of walking. We had a quiet trip into the city but our return trips were at the height of rush hour. I felt extra concerned with Ryan holding my hand and not getting himself in a situation where he could be lost in the crowd. Especially a place as rushed and populated as Penn Station – New York City’s major intercity train station and commuter rail hub.
As we waited for our subway train to approach, we watched as another train stopped at the station. There was a rush of people filing out and a mob waiting to enter through the narrow doors. Although I trust that Ryan would never do this, I could visualize him running onto one of the trains and the door closing before I could jump on with him. The thought really shook me, because I felt unprepared for that scenario. We have talked about Stranger Danger in the past and I have drilled him on his address and what type of person to look for if he needs help, but never a situation where we could be separated. It has always been more about keeping him close than what to do if the worst happens.
Watching how quickly that subway train entered and exited the station, I felt there would be no better time to talk to Ryan about the possibility of being separated and how he could best handle it. I said that it would most likely never happen, but we need to know what to do in case it does. I explained that the subway will continue to move all the way East to Queens and that staying on the subway would make it nearly impossible to find him, so his best bet would be to get off at the very next stop. When the door opens, exit and STAY PUT on the platform. I will take the very next train and meet him there. He could cry, be scared, talk to people about how he lost his Mommy, but not to move from that platform and to say that his Mommy told him to do this.
I felt pretty confident that this was a good plan, but wanted to make sure just in case. I spotted two uniformed police officers who were patrolling the station and decided to put them on the spot. I said that my son and I were discussing what to do if we got separated – he on one subway train and myself left behind. I went through my plan and then asked what they would do. After all, in a moment of panic, I have always told Ryan that uniformed police officers can be of help. They looked at each other, thought out loud and decided that staying on the subway would be best for Ryan. Find someone on the subway to help you and they will get you back to your Mommy, they said. Then one realized that that wouldn’t be the smartest idea because they didn’t know where his Mommy would be or how to get him there if he continued to ride the subway all the way out to Queens. Nevermind the fact that this “helpful person” may turn out to be a child molester or serial killer, I thought to myself. So they quickly agreed that my plan would be a good one. Great, thank you so much officers, I said politely. And we were on our way.
Listen, maybe it was just those particular officers, but would you want to risk your child getting the “wrong information” in a situation like this? Am I being too hard on the police officers since I put them on the spot or is it part of their job to have that knowledge in their pocket? If Ryan were to have moved from the platform and found a police officer, I am sure they would have kept him somewhere safe so I could find him, whether it be at the next station stop or all the way East in Queens. This is why knowing his address is just as important and I keep trying to teach him his phone number but we haven’t nailed that down yet.
Anyway, you didn’t ask for it but here’s one person’s strong opinion – if your child is old enough to walk on their own through a crowded train station, amusement park, whatever… and are capable of breaking free in a moment of chaos, they are old enough to learn emergency safety plans for that particular situation. Better to be safe than sorry. Even if you have to drill it into their heads over and over. I felt much better giving Ryan a concrete plan than thinking about where he could have ended up if he stayed on the train indefinitely. (Now obviously, if he stayed on the train he never would have been able to approach a police officer because… well… he’d still be on the train.) Still, he was equipped with the knowledge of what to do and we both felt safer because of our shared knowledge.
What are your thoughts? Have you ever been separated in a department store, amusement park or other public place? What did you do? What would you do?
NEWS from CPSC and HC
U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission
www.cpsc.gov
Health Canada
www.hc-sc.gc.ca
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
October 11, 2011
Release #12-006
Firm’s Recall Hotline: (855) 242-2245
CPSC Recall Hotline: (800) 638-2772
CPSC Media Contact: (301) 504-7908
HC Media Contact: (613) 957-2983
Jogging Strollers Recalled by B.O.B. Trailers Due to Choking Hazard
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission and Health Canada, in cooperation with the firm named below, today announced a voluntary recall of the following consumer product. Consumers should stop using recalled products immediately unless otherwise instructed. It is illegal to resell or attempt to resell a recalled consumer product.
Name of Product: B.O.B.(r) single and double strollers
Units: About 411,700 in the United States and 27,000 in Canada (357,000 units were recalled in February 2011 due to strangulation hazard posed by canopy drawstring)
Importer: B.O.B. Trailers Inc., of Boise, Idaho
Hazard: The stroller canopy’s embroidered logo’s backing patch can detach, posing a choking hazard to babies and young children.
Incidents/Injuries: The firm has received six reports of children mouthing the detached patch. Gagging and choking were reported in two incidents. The backing was removed from the children’s mouth without injury. In each of the reported incidents, the children were seated in an infant car seat attached to the stroller.
Description: This recall involves all B.O.B. strollers manufactured between November 1998 and November 2010. Strollers manufactured after October 2006 have a white label affixed to the back of the stroller’s leg with the manufacturing date. Strollers with no manufacturing date listed were produced prior to October 2006 and are included in this recall. The strollers were sold in single seat and double-seat models. The BOB(r), Ironman(r) or Stroller Strides(r) brand name is embroidered on the canopy of the strollers.
Sold at: REI, Babies R’ Us and other children’s product and sporting goods stores nationwide and Amazon.com between November 1998 and October 2011 for between $280 and $600.
Manufactured in: Taiwan and China
Remedy: Consumers should immediately stop using the recalled strollers until they remove the embroidery backing patch from the interior of the canopy’s logo. Consumers should contact B.O.B. Trailers for instructions on removing the backing.
Consumer Contact: For additional information, contact B.O.B. Trailers toll-free at (855) 242-2245 between 8:30 a.m. and 5 p.m. MT Monday through Friday, or visit the firm’s website at www.bobnotices.com
Note: Health Canada’s press release is available at http://cpsr-rspc.hc-sc.gc.ca/PR-RP/recall-retrait-eng.jsp?re_id=1411
To see this recall on CPSC’s web site, including pictures of the recalled products, please go to: http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prhtml12/12006.html
I don’t know where you live, but chances are it’s starting to feel like summer in your neck of the woods. Carrying little people, chasing after them at the park, lugging shopping bags and climbing in and out of your car during errands is leaving you wanting to reapply your deodorant every five minutes. It’s starting to get HOT!
Over the past week, I have had a lot of errands to do in the mornings and I decided to skip Lexi’s morning naps because I figured she’d take catnaps in the car. I pulled up to the dry cleaners and looked back at my sleeping angel. I pulled up in front of the entrance door and parked. I had never left her in the car before, but the door was right there. After all, Lexi was sleeping and I just had to run in really quickly to pick up Cory’s shirts. The bill was already paid and there was no line. No sense in waking her up for a two minute errand, right?
I turned off the ignition. In less than two seconds, the car seemed to swallow all of the cool air from the A/C and spit out fire in its place. I tried to picture sitting in this closed car for thirty seconds and I realized right then that this two minute errand could put Lexi in some serious danger. Even if I had kept the windows open, the 85 degree heat would be stifling. This errand wasn’t worth risking her life. I opened the door, she woke up, and I carried her in with me. It took all of one minute and ruined her nap but at least I still had my baby.
I am not here to say you’re a horrible person if you have ever left your kid in the car for a minute or two. But please please please do not leave your child in a hot car unattended – EVER. It’s not worth it. I shared my story because I want you to know that I understand that waking a sleeping baby sucks and taking your kid in and out of their carseat is a royal pain. But losing that child to hyperthermia is most definitely worse.
Hyperthermia can occur even on days with mild 70-degree temperatures. The temperature in a closed vehicle can rise about 20 degrees in 10 minutes and nearly 30 degrees in 20 minutes. Cracking a window has little effect.
Most car deaths due to hyperthermia can be avoided. In many sad but preventable cases, parents or caregivers simply forgot that the child was in the car. To keep this from happening to you, place your diaper bag, briefcase or other important items in the back seat next to your child’s car seat so you have to look in the back before leaving the car. Set a reminder on your cell phone about dropping off your children when routines change. Simple human error and/or miscommunication are to blame for countless deaths each year.
For more information on this subject, there is a great site called www.KidsAndCars.org. Please check it out. If these tragic but true stories or this Pulitzer prize winning article in the Washington Post don’t make you think twice, I don’t know what will.
Please be vigilant and enjoy the (hopefully) beautiful weather, wherever you are!
Today, I left the house completely naked.
Meaning, I forgot my phone.
I must have panicked five times over the course of the four hours I was out without the ability to communicate. I even lamented the *absurdity* that there were no pay phones around. I can’t tell you the last time I saw a pay phone. Do they still exist?
First, I tried to use OnStar in my car and was greeted with a message that my 6 month trial period had recently expired. I almost joined on the spot just so I could call Cory to let him know I was without my phone. I had visions of Ryan’s head falling off and the school trying frantically to reach me, only to have to make the grim decision themselves to tape it back on instead of using hot glue. I also realized the emergency information card on file has like five other people’s phone numbers in case I can’t be reached. That didn’t stop me from passing the school just to make sure it wasn’t on fire.
Then I decided that even though Alexa has her 1 year well-visit tomorrow, I would show up unannounced today because she has been really uncomfortable and cranky with sleep issues the past few days and I didn’t know if it was teething or an ear infection. Since I didn’t have my phone, I couldn’t call ahead. They took me and she was fine, just teething. I asked if this visit could be kept on the DL because it’s kind of embarrassing to be *that mother* and make some emergency visit for peace of mind when it’s not even my first child.
So what did our parents do when we were teenagers and didn’t have cell phones? I remember going out, telling my parents where I was going and having a curfew but my parents honestly had no idea where I was. How could they? I remember a few times my parents said they were close to calling the police because I was five minutes late. I can’t imagine. The thought makes me so nervous that I may imbed a tracking device in my kids’ wrists.
At what age did you/do you plan to give your kids the responsibility of carrying a cell phone?
My Dad recently e-mailed me a video link of a 5-year-old girl calling 911 because her father was having trouble breathing and was experiencing chest pain. The video is from January, but it will never be considered outdated.
Click on the link below – video courtesy of the Bonnie Hunt Show (I had to take the embedded video out, sorry – it made the site slow down significantly)
My first thought upon watching it was wow – what an incredibly calm and composed child! We all can learn a lot about how to handle emergencies from Savannah’s brave example.
It got me thinking about how well Ryan is equipped to handle this type of situation and what we can expect from children of various ages and stages of maturity in similar situations.
911.gov defines an emergency as the following:
An emergency is any situation that requires immediate assistance from the police, fire department or ambulance. Examples include:
If you’re not sure whether the situation is a true emergency, officials recommend calling 911 and letting the call-taker determine whether you need emergency help.
Then there is the issue of stranger danger. Ryan is 3.5 and knows his first, middle and last names, as well as his address. We haven’t begun working on our phone number but had a good opportunity to discuss stranger danger when he went on his first school field trip last month. We went over the scenarios that were drilled into me as a kid – modern versions of “if a man comes up to you and tells you he has candy in his car, what do you do?” – because today candy won’t get you as far as an iPod, a dog or an Xbox and some ‘bad’ strangers are (gasp!) women. I explained that when I was little, we had a secret word if someone was going to pick me up from school other than my parents and if that person didn’t know the word, they could not go home with me.
Then I realized that beyond that, I didn’t really know how to adequately prepare Ryan – how to define a stranger, how to initiate this conversation with a 3-year-old. One thing that I do know is that teaching these important lessons requires ongoing, open communication between parent and child.
Here are 10 tips on broaching the subject of stranger danger that may be helpful:
1. Not all strangers are dangerous. For a young child, you need to define a stranger as someone they don’t know. There are ‘good’ and ‘bad’ strangers. For example, the person in the store who sells Mommy a bottle of vodka is a ‘good’ stranger 
The reason why this is important is so that the child knows that there are people he/she can turn to in a scary situation.
It is also important not to frighten your child. He/she shouldn’t feel like they are in constant danger. Explain that there are more ‘good’ strangers than ‘bad’, but that we need to know what to do if we encounter a ‘bad’ stranger. We should instill confidence in our children, teaching these lessons are meant to empower, not to frighten.
2. ‘Good’ strangers are people like policemen, security guards, teachers, etc. If you need help, these are good people to turn to. Unfortunately, these ‘good’ strangers cannot be found on every street corner so we need to give children tools that they can use on their own.
3. Know your name, address and phone number by heart.
4. Never go anywhere alone – always have a buddy with you and tell a parent if your plans or normal route changes.
5. If somebody walks up to you, you don’t have to talk to them. Do not accept anything from a stranger, just walk away. Do not leave or get into a car with a stranger no matter what he/she tells you. If the person says they know your Mom or got a call from your Dad, do not believe them. If your Mom or Dad wanted you to go with this person, they would have told you. Trust your judgment – if you get a bad feeling from them, walk away.
6. If someone grabs you, do whatever you can to get away, even if that means kicking, biting and screaming for help. Screaming, “You aren’t my Dad/Mom!” is a great way to alert people nearby.
7. Use a code word for special situations. I think that was and still is a useful tool. If Aunt Liz is picking your child up from school, Aunt Liz needs to know the code word, even if your child recognizes her.
8. Teach your child that everyone has private areas that nobody is allowed to touch or see. If someone crosses that line, do not keep it a secret. Talk to a trusted adult.
9. Do not put your child’s name on anything visible to strangers. If a stranger calls out your child’s name, your child will immediately trust him/her.
10. It is a good idea to keep a whistle, cell phone or other age-appropriate item within reach (backpack, pocket, etc) to alert people should you need help.
Practice real-life scenarios with your child that fit your family and lifestyle. Scenarios using familiar names and places will make the most sense to your child. Happy teaching!
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