Women Posts

A Rebirth

Last month I had dinner with T – a friend I hadn’t seen in exactly a year. She looked fantastic, but I already knew that from the family photo albums she e-mailed every couple of months. We only live 25 minutes from each other, but life moves fast, people take different paths and it gets more difficult to see every friend on a consistent basis. And so we enjoyed catching up over dinner and drinks and effortlessly squeezed twelve months into a couple of hours.

Although we always had easy communication, there was something different about the exchange that dominated our conversation at dinner. I couldn’t put my finger on it until we were walking out of the restaurant.

T and I met during a period of transition in both of our lives – I chose to leave my Public Relations job to pursue a Masters in Education and become an elementary school teacher. I wanted a career that would get inside of me, make a difference and utilize my creativity. T also had a professional background but had recently suffered a pregnancy loss and was reprioritizing her future both personally and professionally. I was 28, married only two years and couldn’t afford to be without a salary for long. T wanted to become a teacher but also wanted to start a family as soon as possible, so we were thrilled to be accepted into an accelerated program cohort at Hunter College that shaved half a year off of the regular Masters program.

When we met on the first day, T was loud, bubbly and not at all shy. She had found out from one of the cohort administrators that there was another 20-something going through a career change and wanted to seek me out. We hit it off pretty quickly and proceeded to have an amazing experience – school is a completely different animal when you go back by choice to focus on an area of interest that excites you. It became our full-time job, we ate, breathed and slept our program.

A few weeks into classes, T announced that she was pregnant. Seconds later, another one of our friends announced her pregnancy. I was thrilled for them. At the time, I had just been through a two-year bout with anxiety, which affected me on a grand scale. I had my first and only panic attack during my engagement party which left me scarred enough that I couldn’t go to a restaurant, on a subway or in a car too long without knowing the nearest “escape” to breathe, or a bathroom. Panic and anxiety is truly debilitating, and it took me years to of therapy and Paxil to get a hold on what was causing it – fear of being the center of attention throughout the engagement/wedding period (which for those of you who know me now know that I don’t seem to have a problem with that now!) and just dealing with big grown-up life changes. It just happened to be overwhelming for me. I lived in constant fear of having another panic attack, which only caused more panic. Along with the theme of life-changes, I had constant anxiety about being pregnant and having children, which I knew was on the horizon for Cory and me.

Along with my desire to teach, I know that this Masters program was a way for me to ease into my fears and conquer them. Being an only child and from a small family, I didn’t grow up around lots of kids. My extended family lived in other states and I had never even held a baby before T had hers! My one wish in life since childhood was to become a Mother, but I was scared. (This also is an obvious connection to the non-hormonal aspects of my postpartum depression after having Ryan.) Forcing myself to learn about child development and eventually stand in front of a classroom was a form of conquering that fear. I put my all into the work and loved every second of it. I had to take a Xanax before my first unassisted lesson in front of first graders but I got through it. Slowly, I worked my way to being a really creative and engaging teacher and felt my nurturing/teaching muscles starting to develop. Eventually, I built up complete confidence in my ability and ended up developing a Star Student program for my 4th grade class as a student teacher and made it my job to make learning fun for these kids. And they loved me!

Very preggo me and some of my 2nd graders (2007)

This was my first step to becoming a parent, at least in my mind.

When T and our other friend announced their pregnancies, I was consumed by their experience. I felt as though I was “practicing” becoming a parent through them. I peppered them with questions about what they were going through physically and emotionally, like a curious child. Our other friend had her baby first, and I was shocked by how small this tiny human being looked. I was afraid to hold her, which is why T’s baby was my first.

When I was pregnant with Ryan, I co-taught 2nd graders in a G&T program in New York City and my life felt full. I left at the end of March 2007, a few weeks before I was due. Those kids had become my life – my practice kids. I had a good idea of how to keep 25 of them disciplined and attentive, but was scared to death that I wouldn’t know how to deal with the one growing inside of me. It took me so long to feel comforable as a parent, especially after PPD, that I never even thought about doing part-time work or anything other than parenting. I became Ryan’s teacher, doing charts and keeping my house organized like a classroom. I realized I was still getting comfortable with the idea of being responsible for a human life and it was about all I could handle.

That’s why it was so interesting to have dinner with T this time around. She got pregnant again quickly and had her second child a month before I had Ryan. Being pregnant together was so cool for me.

Our lives and conversations were always pregnancy and child-focused but when we met this time, it was like we were different people. She is teaching Zumba now and has a big following. She is looking to grow her company and have her own studio. I was explaining my transformation from scared parent to blogging and then starting my business with just hair accessories and then building a website and teaching myself how to run a company. We were still the same family-focused women, but we also had gained a part of our old identity back which was refreshing. We slowly waded back into our individual passions and now are experiencing kind of a rebirth. We didn’t have time to do it, but we made time. We realized that being home is a full-time job, but eventually felt the pull to do something truly for ourselves, which in turn makes us less resentful of the demands of full-time child-rearing. We talked about the kids, but mostly about how they are happy and doing well in school and enjoying their very full, busy (and surely lucky) lives.

I have hopes that one day I’ll own a brick and mortar store, but right now I’m not sure we’re done having kids and I want to be there for all of their important events and milestones, so the business will remain small and manageable. Being home is still my choice and I love it. I’m taking care of myself and our family by being happy and busy. The most incredible part of it all is that I no longer feel like I have nothing to talk about other than the kids. I am the last person on Earth to say there is anything wrong with “just” being at home, but after four years of identifying myself as Mom-only, I finally feel like myself again. Just like the time when I felt my teaching muscles starting to develop, I finally felt my parenting muscles getting strong enough that I could take on a new set of challenges. I never thought I would want it or be able to handle it, but I’m glad I went for it. My life feels much fuller now – my kids are happy and we spend lots of quality time together, I have a business that is growing and it is something that I truly enjoy. Cory and I are putting down roots in our neighborhood and are making friends that we hope will be part of our story for a long time. I feel like I’m contributing to the growth of our family as well as our financial well-being by working at night and being home during the day. Although the business has to remain small for now, I feel like it is a springboard for something bigger once our kids are in school full-time.

So the transformation from the corporate world to teaching to parenting to becoming business owners is an ever-changing landscape and I couldn’t be happier for the success of my good friend T, who rode along with me on my journey from anxious teacher to first-time parent to taking a leap of faith and easing back into the working world. It feels comfortable and happy right here, and it’s so nice to know that someone has been there to see it all unfold.

Posted by Dani in Childhood Development, Parenting, Women and tagged with anxiety, elementary school teacher, first-time parent, Masters in Education, overcoming fears, pregnancy, stay at home parent, teaching, transformations, working Mom

Are You Mom Enough?

Did you see the new cover of TIME Magazine?

Attachment Parenting (AP) is once again front-page news and in total turn-off style, TIME has taken the neverending Mommy Wars to a new level with its competitive-laced title, “Are You Mom Enough?” Now granted, I don’t have a TIME subscription so I haven’t yet read the article, but the photo itself is not good for Attachment Parenting. It’s actually pretty exploitative of the parenting style.

The photo of Mommy Blogger Jamie Lynn Grumet breastfeeding her almost four-year-old son Aram is meant to stir up controversy – and the internet is ablaze. TIME knew what it was doing and this photo is just one of a handful of photos of mothers breastfeeding that appear within the cover piece. Parenting is not a contest, and this caption does a disservice for followers of AP everywhere. So do the comments in response to this photo that have cropped up all over the internet.

Attachment Parenting is not a cult of crazy-a$$ Mamas who think that anyone who doesn’t baby-wear, breastfeed until natural weaning occurs, co-sleep or cater to every child’s whim should be stoned in the public square. Rather, it is a parenting style that follows the Eight Principles of Parenting. Attachment parenting has been on the rise over the past two decades, since the publication of The Baby Book by Dr. Bill Sears and his wife Martha in 1992. But to a new Mother, this photo might scream, “Holy crap – he looks like a teenager who would rather be playing video games and she looks defiant, smug and totally pleased with herself. I didn’t choose to/can’t/stopped breastfeeding. Forget if I’m not Mom enough, this Attachment Parenting stuff is freaking weird!” Is it me or is the photo completely contrived and smug?

A comment that I felt was completely on point re: the photo….

“This picture bespeaks “attitude” not education. I am shocked that TIME Magazine is oblivious to the communication this picture engenders. Nasty, coarse, rude comes to mind in seeing this mother standing up and her child on a chair. This could be the poster of how far our society has sunk into the total lack of purity. A mother feeding her child is a beautiful picture. This is bordering on porn and contrived to get attention.”

I didn’t practice AP, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. I had a couple of friends who breastfed their kids until they were 3-4 and yes, we all talked about it because it was different to us but we never said it was disgusting – it just wasn’t our choice. I think that beneath all of that gossip is the nagging feeling that every Mother has – am I doing it right? And the cover photo caption here just adds fuel to the fire. You’re either going to think it’s beautiful, creepy, natural, weird or all of the above. No matter what your opinion, everyone is just trying to do their best for their family. I just feel like this picture takes us all back a few steps. Why do we constantly have to look at images and read articles that make us question our own judgment? Mothers, can’t we stop the incessant bullying and leave each other alone?

I read countless responses daily to parenting articles that simply make people feel like lesser human beings -

“It’s impossible to believe you simply couldn’t produce milk. Everyone produces milk. You just weren’t committed to doing what was best for your child. Formula is poison – don’t you want your child to have a good start in life?”

“You are sick in the head and should be arrested for child abuse if you practice this creepy method of parenting.”

“Extended breastfeeding is gross. When the kid is old enough to ask for a boob, that should be the end of it!”

“What’s with all of the crunchy, granola, co-sleeping, baby-wearing people out there? Don’t you realize you’re going to create clingy, dependent young adults who can’t do anything for themselves? Cut the apron strings already.”

“Watching someone breastfeed a 3 year old totally creeps me out. It’s completely unnatural looking. They are totally capable of handling a fork. This is more for the Mother than the child. These parents refuse to let their kids grow out of babyhood.”

Did you know that children who were a product of AP can be clingy OR independent? That breastfed children can end up healthier OR sicker than their formula-fed peers? That children can adhere to boundaries and discipline no matter what the parenting style? That co-sleeping can create a beautiful bond but that you can bond just as well if you choose to sleep separately?If you put down another person’s parenting because they are different, you must be afraid that you are doing something wrong. Otherwise, why would it be so important to spend so much time commenting and bashing their choices? If we want to create children who preach tolerance and acceptance, it has to come from us. And we’re doing a really crappy job of being role models and teammates for motherhood. Parenting is about making decisions out of love for our own children, not others. There is no right or wrong unless abuse, neglect and/or endangerment enters the picture.

Yes, yes, yes. The three main tenets of AP - breastfeeding, sleeping with your offspring, and carrying your offspring on your body – have been part of mammalian behavioral patterns for 65 million years. Most mothers around the world have always practiced attachment parenting. It isn’t some extreme or new-fangled movement.

But different seems to make people feel uncomfortable.

To the people who spend countless hours thinking about how to make everyone conform to their life practices, I ask you this…

What are you trying to prove? And to whom?

Go spend time with your kids.

Whether they were fed breastmilk or cow’s milk, they will remember feeling loved. Attended to. Respected. Played with.

Whether you fell asleep beside them or tucked them into their crib, they will remember you were there. Listening. Asking them questions. Teaching them about the world.

They will remember your smiles, tickles and hugs. They will remember your smell. They will remember YOU. And you – no matter what your parenting decisions – is all they want at the end of the day.

So stop worrying that formula will turn your child into a serial killer. Or that you’re not “Mom Enough” in the eyes of strangers you don’t know on the internet.

If you make decisions based on love, you’re Mom enough for your kid, and that’s all that matters.

____________________

Note: I wrote this at 2am and re-read it this morning. Not my best work, but I was emotionally charged after seeing the photo and poring through hundreds of responses meant to insult, bash and bully parents for their choices. So it remains as is. Sorry for the rambling.

Posted by Dani in News, Parenting, Women and tagged with Are You Mom Enough?, attachment parenting, Dr. Sears, extended breastfeeding, Jamie Lynn Grumet, TIME Magazine breastfeeding cover

On Marriage

So I’ve been a little MIA but fortunately it’s because I’ve been trying to find more of a balance with my family, my work and my health. Sometimes we lose sight of what’s really important in life and have to make changes. Nothing crazy happening here, just was feeling overwhelmed and decided to step back for a while and cut out the non-essentials.

In what must be related to my feelings of late, I’ve been hearing a lot of talk lately about divorce. Whispers from people at the gym, blaring celebrity headlines and mentions of friends of friends’ marriages collapsing seem to be picking up in frequency, at least ’round these parts. In many of these failing relationships, there are children involved. I don’t want to imagine the hurt, anger and confusion that divorce wreaks upon the lives of everyone affected by a family torn apart. Not that it’s unheard of these days – we know that almost half of first marriages today end in divorce. I just have a difficult time listening to some of the reasons behind these family break-ups. It’s not because I can’t imagine these things ever happening, it’s because they seemed so preventable.

“She spent too much money.”

“He developed a pornography habit.”

“He wasn’t ready to be a Father.”

“She started falling for an old boyfriend she reconnected with on Facebook.”

“He wanted to go back to his party-boy days.”

“She completely changed once they had children and he hardly recognized her. Eventually, they grew apart.”

Before we had kids, I never understood what people meant when they said that marriage is hard work, but I totally get it now. Once you become a parent and your children are at the center of your lives, it is easy to neglect the “family before the family” – the happy couple that once was – the partnership, the friendship, the twosome.

Cory and I began dating when we were 19 and 20, respectively. We were married at 26 and had Ryan 4 years later. During our 10 years of exclusive coupledom, we were at the center of each other’s worlds. We shared the ins and outs of our respective jobs, discussed plans for the future, planned vacations, exercised together, did laundry together, split chores, watched our favorite shows, called to check in multiple times a day and basically just settled into being the adult version of “us”. It was a period of growth and change, but we grew and changed together. We didn’t know anything beyond Cory and Dani and that was good enough for us back then.

We knew that we would have children someday and above all else, I knew Cory would make an amazing Dad. Although planning our wedding was wonderful, I was never the little girl who dreamed of her wedding day. Instead, I was a little girl who dreamed of becoming a Mother. When my friends and I played House, I was perfectly happy playing the Mom while they all fought over who would be the baby.

Following Ryan’s arrival and my subsequent struggle with Postpartum Depression, I was forced to figure out a new normal. Cory went back to his job and his corporate identity, but my own identity was turned upside down and it was up to me to redefine myself. No longer working, I was now wearing my “Mom Hat” full time and I wasn’t sure how to be anything else. It wasn’t as if I had much time for anything aside from the little creature who was pretty much glued to me day and night. I realized for the first time that Cory-and-Dani-The-Couple also needed to be redefined. The twosome of the past was now a threesome. But we also realized that the home base, the steady ground of this family was planted before we had children and we needed to nurture that.

As the months passed and our lives settled into more of a routine, Cory and I made sure to watch our favorite shows together, enjoy dinner dates and take weekend trips alone while Ryan was in the care of one or both sets of our parents. We balanced our relationship as well as we could but of course there were times when one of us felt neglected, we weren’t connecting as well or we didn’t make enough time for each other. It was during those times that we spoke about our feelings and tried to figure out how to remedy the situation. I remember feeling overwhelmed at times, crying to Cory before we fell asleep about how I still didn’t feel normal even after 9 months had passed. It wasn’t really until Ryan was about 15 or 16 months old that I truly felt comfortable as a parent. I knew for my mental health that I needed to take off my “Mom Hat” once in a while and at that time we were fortunate enough to be able to hire someone to watch Ryan every Monday from 9-6 so I could do laundry, go food shopping, go to doctor’s appointments, take a nap, have lunch with a friend and basically anything I needed or wanted to do all by myself. It was heavenly and I really felt an internal balance and peace.

Adding a second child to the mix proved to be more of a challenge. Two people vying for our attention left less of it for ourselves and each other. I no longer had the luxury of a caregiver once a week and in the midst of trying to juggle the kids’ schedules, maintaining our house and our daily lives, I decided to start a business. At each stage in my life where I finally felt comfortable, I decided to complicate things by taking on something new. I started watching less TV and ceased to make phone calls. I stayed up until 3am working on my business because I didn’t want to take away from time with the kids. I started to fall behind on laundry, keeping the house organized and staying ahead of things like birthday presents, blog posts, doctor’s appointments and the like. The thought of Date Night just meant that my free time would be used for going out and I’d be falling behind on work. Maybe I took on too much but I wanted to handle it all.

Nurturing our relationship wasn’t even on the agenda. And that – my friends – is quite a dangerous way to run a family.

You see, I understand why people choose to give up on marriage, especially if there were doubts to begin with. People grow apart. Some choose to leave an abusive relationship. Technology makes connections easier but also causes distractions that enable people to stray from their marriages more easily. Some married too young. There are lots of reasons why marriages don’t work. It’s hard to know what forever means.

We didn’t have any doubts to begin with. Overall, we have grown together and made sure to voice our needs to each other, but there have also been rough periods that made me realize that marriage is something that needs attention, work and compromise to succeed.

I believe that people make choices in a marriage. Of course it is easy to daydream about some fictional life that you read about in a book or to compare something that a friend’s husband or wife did to that of your own partner. Deciding to be with one person for life is a choice, and not one to be taken lightly. Are people really prepared at 24, 25, 26 years old to choose a life partner? Is it realistic to believe that two people will maintain a partnership through the devastating experience of losing a child, dealing with illness, family infighting and/or serious financial peril? Even something as simple as choosing a different path than the one you started on, for example welcoming religion into your life or deciding to become a vegetarian?

I have never experienced a devastating loss to shake my marriage to the core so it may sound hypocritical, but I believe in marriage and I believe in our vows. I shudder to picture life if one of us G-d forbid becomes seriously ill and Cory or I have to become the other’s caretaker. I would surely curse the loss of normalcy, of what could have been, of experiences that we would no longer partake in… but I feel it would be a betrayal to the person I vowed to stand by through sickness and health. It reminds me of my blase attitude upon doing our will and choosing life insurance. Nobody ever really pictures needing either of these safeguards until old age, so we rarely think deeply about having to move forward should something happen to our spouse.

As much as I believe in marriage, I also believe in divorce. You only have one life, after all, so you might as well be with someone you enjoy being with and who respects and cares for you. There is also no room for violence, fear and abuse in a marriage. But I think that if some couples who hit their first rocky patch would go the extra mile to try to save their marriages, to put in the hard work, to accept help and therapy, they could save their families. I think as a society we are too quick to give up, to look elsewhere for validation and love and there are children whose lives are forever altered by the decisions of their parents. We consciously bring these children into the world, don’t we owe it to them to give their family everything we have?

Marriage is hard. Raising children is hard. I struggle daily to find a balance and some days I fail miserably. My husband has told me on numerous occasions that he felt neglected (most notably when I was getting my Masters and when I started the business). It took some soul-searching and difficult conversations to understand how the other felt. I can’t tell you why scheduling couple time for me isn’t as easy as making playdates, shuttling the kids to classes and doing errands. My husband is amazing and he definitely deserves more of my time.

We work seamlessly as parents – sharing chores, playing with the kids, making sure they are happy, but we are also trying to make more time for ourselves as a couple. I have been going to bed earlier so that I’m not always getting into bed hours after Cory has fallen asleep. We are trying to find a babysitter so that we can start doing regular weekend dates again. We used to go to Atlantic City a few times a year for a weekend but now we feel guilty leaving two kids with our parents. It’s harder to do, but not impossible. I think it’s so worth it to make an effort so we don’t end up one day at the dinner table in silence, with nothing left to talk about but our empty nest.

I have a friend who recently told me that she works hard to maintain and nurture her marriage. Not only does she have sex multiple times a week, she knows that their marriage is her #1 priority. I admire her and every time I hear about another divorce, it makes me realize just how lucky I am to have such love and support in my marriage. It gives me the kick I need to focus on nurturing it more.

Did you find it easier or more difficult to nurture your marriage after having kids?

Posted by Dani in Men, Parenting, Women and tagged with divorce, marriage after kids

Losing The “Baby Weight”

If you walk into a Weight Watchers meeting, you will probably meet people who have been on ”the plan” before. In fact, some will tell you they are back for the 4th time. Or the 6th. I have learned that this does not mean they are destined for a lifetime of failure to control their weight. It just means life happened in-between.

I know because I’m back there. Again.

No, it’s not my 4th time. It’s my 2nd. And as much as I’d love to say I did it the first time and became a Lifetime Member who changed my habits for good, that is not the case. Life happened in-between. After being treated for Postpartum Depression, I gained weight because I was so blissfully happy that I wasn’t in the jail of my own mind that I just enjoyed life. I was enjoying my family and didn’t pay too much attention to what I ate. I didn’t realize at the time that I had started to use food as comfort – to replace any loneliness I was feeling, to cope with my new life at home, to feel in control of things and to feed something that was missing… I don’t think I ever realized what.

When I was feeling steady enough as a Mom, I joined Weight Watchers when Ryan was about 9 months old. I remember how old he was because he took his first steps – right in the middle of a meeting. I think I lost about 25 lbs and then I eventually stopped going. Not exactly sure why – maybe I was happy with the way I looked, maybe I thought I could do okay without it. Slowly but surely I gained that weight back.

And then after Alexa was born, I knew I wasn’t making any effort to lose the 30 lbs that I gained but I also kept giving myself acceptable excuses:

You just had a baby, give yourself a break.

Pace yourself – 9 months up, 9 months down.

You want to get pregnant again in a year or so – just deal with the extra weight since it will come back anyway.

Trouble is, I truly believed that these excuses were acceptable. I thought hey, I’m a Mom. My days of being a size 2 or 4 or 6 are over. It’s fine to wear sweatpants every day – I need to be comfortable to run around all day at the park. (I still wear sweats much more than I should so obviously I haven’t let go of some crappy habits…) I watched myself change from a perfect (well, perfect to me) size 6 at my wedding, to an 8 in the years following the wedding to a 10 after Ryan was born to a 12 after Alexa was born. I started hiding behind my kids in pictures. I kept telling myself I didn’t look too bad. I wore shapeless clothing. I stopped caring for myself when I started caring for others. I grabbed whatever food was around, not thinking about how its empty calories provided no fuel for my body. I skipped meals. I forgot to drink water. I stopped getting a normal amount of sleep (oops – still failing there).

And my body rebelled against this in a big way.

After season upon season saw my closet change over to make room for a new size, I finally had enough. I had lost my ability to exercise the way I wanted to after fracturing my foot doing P90X/Insanity over this summer and I knew that one more size up and I’d have to shop at specialty stores because size 12 signals the end of the road at most department stores. I watched my Mother struggle throughout my whole life and I knew I was going down the same road. Even though I couldn’t believe food was becoming an issue in my life… clearly it had been for some time.

Forget pregnancy – as of now, it’s a financial transaction that we can’t handle. And anyway, who ever suggested that you hold onto extra weight if you’re going to get pregnant? That’s the dumbest rationale on Earth – it just makes it that much harder to lose. Who said I looked good? Surely I hadn’t heard “You look great!” in a long time (except from my amazing husband who says it for some reason unbeknownst to me) and noted the absence of “those” looks from men on the street (you know what I’m talking about – the ones you outwardly say ‘ewww’ at but that you inwardly appreciate). Who says a Mom has to look a certain way? It’s okay to wear sweatpants all day, every day? Who says you have to give up on yourself, plain and simple?

I was lying to myself – as much as I OK’d these things, giving up didn’t look good and it sure didn’t feel good. Whether you have 15 or 215 lbs to lose, the first step is undoubtedly the hardest. And in the middle of a busy time, the last thing I wanted to do was have to control what I ate. Or have one more thing that I had to do. But there was no better time, and so I rejoined Weight Watchers the day before Halloween. On purpose.

I’m down over 14 lbs in 6 weeks. That’s a pretty steady burn – the way it’s supposed to be. I worry about falling off the wagon, but I feel like the biggest motivation is how much more comfortable I already feel in my own body. I don’t think the weight is noticeable for the most part to others, but to me it’s the difference between getting undressed in the dark and not minding the light on. Or squeezing myself into a pair of jeans versus having them glide on easily. A wise person once said “Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels” and although people can say what they want about society’s unattainable standards of beauty, my version of “thin” is liking myself in my own skin. For some, it’s a number. I was never one of those people, since I always had a muscular/athletic build, my weight was always higher than one would expect.

Most importantly, I don’t want my children to obsess over their appearance or place any sort of power on that little scale in my bathroom so when I head out on Saturday mornings I tell Ryan I am going to my “Healthy Food Meeting” to make sure I continue to eat the right things and take care of my body, since I only have one. He seems to like that and I do, too.

I have heard from some of you about your struggles with losing the weight and I give you so much credit because it really is hard work. It takes sacrifice and dedication and it comes more easily to some people than to others. I just want you to know that I feel your frustration and understand the feeling of not being confident as a result of how you look. I wish I could say that I would be happy with how I looked no matter what the size, but then I’d just be lying.

I have seen people speak out about their struggle with weight and their declarations that their obsession with losing it is officially over. I have thought that in my head, but I always knew it wasn’t exactly true. I always like me, but I don’t always like how I look. So I ask you, honestly - does anyone really like being overweight or is it just another excuse for not taking care of what’s going on underneath those layers?

Posted by Dani in Women and tagged with losing the baby weight, sweatpants are not dress-up clothes, Weight Watchers

Mommy Wars

Every night I get The Stir Daily Ten from CafeMom, a rundown of parenting news and opinions from featured columnists. I just read this article about Mainstream Parenting Ideas and it’s not the article that pissed me off (even though it is complete junk and has few valid points “backed up” by junk science) it was the inevitable comments that followed. Even if you’re not a parent, the comments will most likely piss you off. In fact, I’m so pissed off about how parents (note: Moms) treat each other that I’m going to just go off on a complete rambling, nonsensical jumble of a tangent.

Yes, yes, yes - I’ve given advice to people before when they asked about parenting techniques. I’ve also pushed one method over another when talking to friends about discipline and I did write a post with my beliefs about spanking so maybe I’m a total hypocrite but why do parents feel the need to constantly castigate each other and get on a soapbox when it comes to co-sleeping, breastfeeding and every aspect of raising children? Why can’t people mind their own business?

CIO (cry-it-out, or the Ferber Method) is a hot-button issue. I didn’t want to use it because I didn’t really feel like hearing Alexa cry for hours, but once I read about it, I realized it was not the cruel and unusual punishment that you always hear about and wanted to give it a try. It worked for us. It is not leaving your child to scream until they pass out. It doesn’t mean I love her less than you love your child who you would NEVER let cry even for a second. It is a method and it works for some. If you think it’s cruel, that’s up to you. But why do you have to try and make other people feel like the devil about it? One commenter wrote to just “Google CIO and brain damage”. How about also Googling “effects of sleep deprivation” on either parents, babies or both.

I chose not to co-sleep (yes, on purpose!) but I have friends who do and love it. I know people who say they can’t stand being poked and prodded while trying to sleep and would never do it again and others who say it is the most special and wonderful thing you can do with your child and would never consider anything else.

Some people can’t breastfeed. They can’t. Really. Even if they sat for 24 hours with a medical-grade pump and YOU cheering them on. (Well not you, but I’m using “you” to mean the fanatical Mamas who have something to say about everything breastfeeding). Or those who adopted and couldn’t induce lactation. Or those who have mastitis or an illness or – gasp! – just don’t want to. Oh my goodness, they are SATAN! These crazy people don’t choose to use a milk bank or do everything humanly possible to get human milk into their baby and opt to use … cover your ears … formula! There are people out there willing to knock down doors to make sure everyone knows that formula is the devil in a can and that it will poison your child and make them a moron. To these people I say what did someone do to you as a child to make you feel the need to be so mean and insensitive to others? Can you simply say “we all know breast is best but if you can’t or choose not to do it, I don’t wish for you to burn in a fiery hell?” Or keep it to yourself. What on earth made you feel so very deeply about this subject that you feel the need to chop people’s heads off if they do things differently? If you’re able to breastfeed and choose to do so, shouldn’t you just be happy for yourself and your baby? Are you trying to win some kind of breastfeeding election or ensure that your tombstone reads “Died En Route to Perfection”?

I went on medication for PPD after the birth of my first child. I stayed on that medication when pregnant with my second child because the benefits to both of us outweighed the risks. Is it ideal to be on meds while pregnant? Of course not. Do you know what I went through? No, because you’re not me. Would I wish it on you or anyone else? No. So why do some people feel the need to judge something they have no idea about? (Side ramble – To me, it’s like being homophobic for no other reason than thinking homosexuals are ”deviants” because they may be different than you – then finding out your son is gay and expresses his deep desire to live his life openly and without fear… so you open your mind because you love your son and since you know he’s not a “deviant” maybe you were wrong.) Sooooooo… unless you have lived with PPD or any other mental illness, go fly a kite before telling me that I’m selfish for “putting my child at risk”. And maybe read some actual medical research, too.

There is no one-size-fits-all. Every child is different. I can already tell you that many of the things I swore by with Ryan I will not find effective with Alexa. Generalizations are not helpful. They only make confused parents feel more lost. We already know that new parents scour books, websites and other sources of information for support and what they’re finding (many times from other Mothers) sends them into an even deeper tailspin -

“CIO is a form of child abuse that will leave your child with pervasive anxiety.”

“If you have PPD, your child won’t be able to bond with you.”

“I would NEVER let my child cry – for even a minute! Letting children cry is cruel.”

“Breastfed babies are smarter than their formula-fed counterparts.”

“My child is ahead of all the milestones because I’m home with him.”

“Co-sleeping is gross and dangerous - how do you ever have sex? Aren’t you afraid of rolling over and killing your baby?”

“It is lazy parenting to formula-feed – why give a baby milk from a cow when you are perfectly capable of making your own?”

“Attachment parenting is the only way to raise a secure child who feels loved.”

UGH. It’s enough to give you a migraine.

How about parenting with love, logic and instinct?

End the Mommy Wars. It’s soooooooo tiring. I think we’re all looking for validation and put others down because of our personal insecurities. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing that makes people feel as vulnerable as being in charge of a tiny human life. I wish we didn’t have all of this literature and just used good old instinct.

Working full-time, staying at home, co-sleeping, CIO, babywearing, formula feeding, homeschooling, time-outs, spanking, 100% organic - we’re all just trying to do our best. Sure, we all have our opinions and we may get into a lively debate from time to time with friends or family members about how we choose to raise our children. It just seems like some people make it their full time job to be on a parenting rampage across the World Wide Web.

And I actually didn’t hate all of the comments - many echoed what I’ve been trying to say, albeit with more clarity. This one was my personal favorite:

From gingerpeachee on Oct 13, 2011 at 7:50 PM

Over-opinionated ridiculous human beings. Seriously. The CIO moms are accusing the AP moms of creating clingy children and the AP mom’s are calling the CIO moms child abusers. Lovely. Parents with small children forget that what you do in the first 3 years of life is not the end all be all of your children. WHO CARES if you made homemade baby food in 10 years? WHO CARES if you had your child on a strict schedule at 2 days old?!?! You think this is going to be some sort of life-altering decision? It’s not.

Maybe kids are growing up and bullying other kids because that is what their parents do to other parents right from the get go. Ever think of that? Open your minds. Forgive the people around you for not being carbon copies of yourself (the fact is YOU are not that perfect).

Amen, gingerpeachee – whoever you are. Amen.

Posted by Dani in Blah blah blah, complaints, etc., Childhood Development, Parenting, Women and tagged with attachment parenting, breast vs bottle, Christie Haskell, CIO, co-sleeping, Mainstream Parenting Ideas, Mommy Wars, The Stir

Reader Letter – Lonelyville

To the Mommy stuck in Lonelyville,

Usually I’d just write back a personal response, but – LUCKY YOU! – I decided to draw it out and turn your letter into a post because I’m really feeling you right now and I’m sure others are, too.

I’m a new Mom with a 4 month old daughter and I feel really lonely most days. I love spending time with her, but I could really use some adult conversation. I go to the park in my neighborhood, but haven’t met anyone yet who I clicked with to the point that we’d exchange info or anything. How did you meet people when Ryan was born?

I totally feel you and wish I could come over and play right now! Don’t despair – there are people out there – you just haven’t met them yet.

Now I can’t exactly tell if you’re on maternity leave and heading back to work or if you’re at home for the long haul, but it doesn’t really matter because people everywhere are looking for friends – weekday or weekend – you just need to look in the right places (and I will help you find some of those places – and hopefully some commenters will, too!)

One thing I will stress is that when looking for new friends, you have to keep an open mind. The first few people I met didn’t seem like my “usual” kind of friend and I thought all we had in common was that we had babies in the Spring of ’07, but those were the same girls that invited my depressed, lost, cheerless self into their homes and kept forcing me to attend gatherings of human beings and for that I am forever grateful. And surprise, surprise – I am still in contact with them.

All I wanted when I went on my “find a friend” ~~rampage~~ search was someone who lived close to me. Preferably someone who thought I was worth spending time with. Like, every day. And maybe we would have sleepovers. With wine. And go on vacations together. Perhaps a Mommy BFF who wanted to wear the other half of my heart necklace. Okay but really, I just wanted to meet one freaking person who got me excited about being at home with my kid and made me want to shower and get dressed and get outside. And someone who definitely wanted to chat about more than breastfeeding, napping and poop. Although that would be allowed, of course. A lot of pressure for that one person, but whatever, that would be their problem.

I found two such people. G lived in my apartment building and I met LB in a baby class. They pretty much restored sanity to my life. They both had baby girls born in March and we would take walks, go to the playground and to lunch.

Our first friends - G, LB and their beautiful daughters at our apartment for a BBQ

Eventually, G went back to work but we still hung out at night and on weekends, LB and I met other people through our baby class and a bunch of us joined music and gym classes together, went to lunch and found tons of places to hang out in the area.

With time, our circle of friends expanded. I knew this would be my Mommy support system – I knew there were girls out there that I could depend on if I needed to drop Ryan off in an emergency, if I needed a doctor recommendation or just to talk. To this day, I consider some of them my closest friends. Not all remained – some moved out of the area, others went back to work and naturally some of us simply grew apart, but each one made a profound difference in my life and for that I am so thankful that we crossed paths.

It felt so amazing to create a new life for myself. It was hard work, but it needed to be done. I had gone from having a work schedule, a community of people and a place to go every day to waking up and … well, nothing.

I actually need to work at this again, now that the 4-year-old set is in camp all day and Lexi and I talk openly about how she needs some friends. I’m currently stalking a woman from our MyGym class and begging my neighbor to pop out her 3 month old fetus now so we can hang out. Nevermind that she has a 6 year old and a 4 year old in camp and probably wants to enjoy her quiet summer before she goes back to work. But that doesn’t stop me.

I’m close to printing a sign and hanging it on all of the neighborhood trees with a sad looking picture of Alexa beneath the bold headline “Looking For Friends”, and my contact info on it. For sure someone would contact me immediately. Probably the police, but someone nevertheless.

Okay, I’m sure you’re thrilled that I turned your letter into a post, because in no way have I answered your question and you’ve been reading this for waaayyy too long and you’re annoyed because you could have been out making friends and instead I’m disappointing you.

So here goes…

1. Meetup.com

Meetup is a website where you can find groups of people from Pet Lovers to Singles Over 50 to Lonely Mommies like you. By zip code! So try a search there and be creative with your search terms. Just be careful if you join a group that only has 1 or 2 members. It very well may be a startup, but if the group was founded a year ago and nobody has joined, you’re probably not going to find what you’re looking for.

2. Stroller Strides

Stroller Strides is a way for you to get back into the exercise game, meet other people and use your baby as a dumbbell. Just kidding, sort of. Check it out – they are all over the country and you can take a free trial to see what it’s all about.

3. Music Together

Music Together is an internationally recognized music and movement program for babies through kindergartners and their caregivers. There are tons of music programs out there, and I tried to stay away after something like 5 semesters with Ryan because I was afraid of a growing addiction (I actually started listening to the CDs in the car by myself when I didn’t even have to) but I’m back there again with Alexa and loving it.

4. Search out your local YMCA, library, church, synagogue, other place of worship or community center. You may be surprised at just how many free or low cost classes are offered just minutes away. Especially at the library – you can find everything from Storytime to Zumba to Drivers Ed.

5. Pick up your town’s free parenting magazines. There are lots of community events going on throughout the year and you can get great ideas about where to go (once you’ve made that friend to share your necklace with). Everything from farms to museums to playgrounds to gym classes (The Little Gym, MyGym, Gymboree, etc.) to indoor play spaces can be found inside these little gems.

6. Websites. I have a bunch of sites bookmarked that have great ideas for places to go and things to do in my area. One of these is Mommy Poppins… but obviously do your own search (although I’d love to hang with you!) Online Birth Clubs are another way to meet people. I have friends who have a whole online support system from BabyCenter and BabyZone. There is also the MOMS Club. Play around a bit…

One final thought – treat this like you’re scouring the Mommy Dating Scene. You’ll get out of it what you put into it. Talk to people at Birthday parties, say hello on the street, ask people you know if they know anyone. If you’re like me and give off a stand-offish vibe when you meet a new person and cannot imagine blurting out, “It was great meeting you – let’s get the kids together!”, you’ll have to get over it. Now is the time to be your most outgoing self. Try not to make decisions based on how she carries her baby everywhere in a sling, co-sleeps, breastfeeds exclusively and makes her own baby food while you maybe can’t imagine doing any of that. That doesn’t make you opposites, you just have different parenting styles. The woman who doesn’t seem like your “normal type of friend” may just be the one who helps you out of Lonelyville.

Good luck!

P.S. Anyone else, please comment with suggestions. I am more than confident that I’ve left out other great ways to meet people.

Posted by Dani in Babies, Parenting, Reader letters, Women and tagged with baby classes, Gymboree, lonely new Mom, making Mom friends, Music Together, MyGym, parenting classes, The Little Gym, YMCA

A Birth Story

Photo Credit: Kelle Hampton

Everyone comes into this world with their own story.

Some believe we write our stories as we journey through life, our decisions creating unique twists and turns.

Some believe our stories were written for us by someone or something larger than ourselves.

Kelle Hampton is just one woman who is not unlike someone you may know. Blessed with good looks, she has a husband, children, a talent for taking breathtaking photographs and writing about the wonders of life in her blog, Enjoying the Small Things.

Like you and me, she has a story. It is not the first story of its kind. But what makes her story so remarkable is that she wrote about it. One defining event written in raw, honest detail. To share with others how life sometimes throws a wrench in our plans, forces us to change the way we think, to challenge us in ways we could never imagine.

I have so many things I want to say about her story but most of all, I want YOU to read it. So sit back (with a box of tissues) and allow Kelle to take you on her incredible personal journey – the birth story of her second daughter, Nella Cordelia:

http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html

Posted by Dani in Babies, Birthdays, Girls, Parenting, Women and tagged with a birth story, Enjoying the Small Things, Kelle Hampton

A Mother’s Day Wish

For my fifth Mother’s Day, I will not ask to sleep in (because I know it’s going to happen anyway.) I will not demand a massage, breakfast in bed, someone else to do the laundry or pay the bills. I won’t request the day off, because I wouldn’t be celebrating Mother’s Day if I didn’t have my kids. I won’t ask for gifts, a few hours to read, blog or work on my bows.

It’s not that I don’t want these things.

It’s that Mother’s Day makes me think of something else that kind of overshadows the above list.

My first Mother’s Day in 2007 should have been a wonderful experience. My baby boy was one month old. Happy and healthy. Except I wanted nothing to do with him or Mother’s Day. Just thinking about it makes me shudder. I was in the throes of Postpartum Depression and I asked my family not to acknowledge that I was a Mother or to treat this day as something happy. I couldn’t even feel. I was in deep emotional and physical pain. I didn’t want to look at Ryan. Hear him. Touch him. Care for him or myself. I didn’t feel alive. I didn’t care if he was alive, either. That was difficult to write, but it is the truth. I was trapped in a mental state of hell and at that point, saw no way out.

Mother’s Day will always be bittersweet, or at least these past few years it has been met with feelings of happiness, as well as extreme guilt and sadness. This Mother’s Day, I feel so blessed to have two amazing children that have enhanced my life and who make me a better person.

I just want to acknowledge that there are women out there this year who may not feel blessed, or lucky, or even feel anything at all.

Women who want children and can’t have them.

Women waiting to find out if a child is a match for adoption.

Women who have lost their Mothers.

Who never knew their Mothers.

Who are estranged from their Mothers.

Who don’t want to be Mothers.

Women who are mourning the loss of their unborn babies.

Their angel babies.

So many women for which Mother’s Day means something different.

My own Mother gave me life, love and a wonderful childhood for which I am eternally grateful. She taught me that I am worth respecting. She instilled in me confidence, self-esteem and infuriating stubbornness. We are very much alike yet insanely different.

This Mother’s Day, I do feel lucky. I am not under a dark cloud. I have an amazing, inspiring, beautiful family and many things for which to be thankful. I think that my Mother’s greatest gift to me is that I grew up to like myself and also to like myself as a Mother.

I take great pride in my role as a Mother, so thank you Mom. For everything that you sacrificed to make sure I had a childhood worth a thousand memories, confidence in myself, the freedom to make my own decisions, your support and your faith in me that I could be anything I wanted to be.

To those women who will be having a difficult Mother’s Day, I offer hope, strength and compassion.

To my children – the greatest gift you could give to me is to grow up to be sensitive, loving, respectful young adults who work hard, love and respect yourselves and above all, ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER.

Posted by Dani in Holiday stuff, Women and tagged with feelings about Mother's Day, Mother's Day, Postpartum Depression

Dear kids, I don’t want you anymore (and never did)

On February 28, Rahna Reiko Rizzuto wrote a piece on Salon.com entitled Why I Left My Children.

I am not going to insert snippets of the story. If you’re interested in reading it, please do. Instead, I am going to tell you what I think.

Mouths hang open at the sheer selfishness and evil of a woman abandoning her children because a woman is supposed to be the nurterer and caregiver. She advocates for the rights of women who desire to be “part-time Moms”. But it’s not nearly as shocking when men walk out on their family, right? Personally, I feel they’re both pigs.

Rizzuto never wanted children. She didn’t want to be swallowed up in all that is Motherhood, losing herself in the process. She made a deal with her husband to provide him with offspring. He wanted them so badly that he agreed to be their primary caretaker if she would just give him a family. Such a nice arrangement. Except for one thing – did she or they ever consider the feelings of these lives they planned to bring into the world? Did they maybe consider that one partner wanted a family and the other didn’t and maybe that’s a deal breaker?

Then Rizzuto accepted this amazing opportunity to live in Japan for six months. The trip changed her, eventually ruined her marriage and when her family came to live with her after four months away, she was overwhelmed by “what to do with these little balls of energy”. I take no issue with Rizzuto leaving for four months to realize a dream and learn more about herself. My issue is with her decision to have these children in the first place. They were not the product of rape, they were not birthed into a toilet by a scared teenager, they were not dropped off at a Safe Haven, they were created with intention, to be raised in a two-parent home. The boys were given a Mom and a Dad for 5 and 3 years and then when their Mother decided she didn’t want the responsibility anymore, she chose to leave. This happens all the time with divorce, when one parent is chosen as the primary custodian, but this woman chose to have children knowing she didn’t want them. And her husband chose to have them with her, knowing she didn’t want them.

Is it truly impossible to have the life you want and be a parent? Of course, once you have children your life is no longer your own, at least not the life you once had. But there are millions of parents out there who work, travel, live out their dreams and still have time at night and on weekends to spend quality time with their kids. Maybe the kids ARE better off with their Mother down the street. Maybe their lives would have been wrought with misery from having a Mom around who was unhappy. But to know you were unwanted – is truly devastating.

Rizzuto’s actions will have far-reaching consequences for those two boys – for their relationships with others and their sense of self. They would undoubtedly experience the same consequences if their Dad had walked out instead. This is not about screwing up these children. For me, it’s about the children existing in the first place. Children are not for everyone, but once you have them, you can’t give them back. If Rizzuto had a conscience, she would have realized her selfishness after the birth of her firstborn and given him up for adoption to a person who would go to the ends of the Earth to have a child of their own.

Don’t think this is the equivalent of a man going to an Egg Bank to have children because he wants to raise them as a single parent. This is about children who for 5 and 3 years lived in a two-parent family, not realizing that they were the product of a selfish bargain and who were going to be emotionally and physically abandoned on a whim.

Those are my personal thoughts. What are yours?

Posted by Dani in News, Women and tagged with abandonment, Rahna Reiko Rizzuto, Why I Left My Children

To my future daughter-in-law…

A girl in the Pre-K class (an older woman!) at Ryan’s school wants to have a playdate. Apparently they sit together on the bus and giggle a lot. Ryan’s afternoon bus driver told me that her mother wants to schedule something, so I said that sounds great and to give her my number. What I was really thinking is now she’s just making him laugh… but soon she’ll want a promise ring, they’ll elope and then I’ll be a goner.

So with that, I guess it’s time for the first draft of the following letter:

Dear Future Daughter-in-Law,

I really want to like you when I meet you in 20+ years, but at the moment I don’t. Not even a little bit. The thought of you taking Ryan and moving to Antarctica, telling him how overbearing I am and limiting his visits to once a year makes me violently ill. To know that all of my hugs and kisses and tushy squeezes will be transferred to you makes me want to cry.

But in the event that you subscribe to my neurotic, controlling, sensitive and sarcastic ways, take any advice that I give and allow me to plan your entire life together, we’ll be fine.

Just so you know, I adore my mother-in-law. She also adores me (or so she says), likely because I settled down with her son five minutes from where they live, we do holidays, vacations and pretty much everything together. We should do that, too, so we can also adore each other and eliminate any potential “issues”. If you opt out of this suggested arrangement, I will supply you with years of unending Jewish guilt.

So listen up, honey. All you need to do in order to get my blessing is buy me the house next door, have my son call multiple times a day, make sure he gives me cards on my Birthday that he picked out and signed and routinely say, “What would your Mother do?” when making any decisions.

Oh, and don’t think this is TOTALLY about me. If you do anything to hurt my son, I will shoot you out of a cannon to infinity and beyond.

Lovingly yours,

“Mom”

Ugh – good thing he’s only turning 4 and I have a few more years to learn how to let go because I get the sense I’m not quite ready…

Posted by Dani in Boys, Women and tagged with controlling mother, future daughter in law, inlaws, letting go, to infinity and beyond