attachment parenting Posts

11May
3

Are You Mom Enough?

Did you see the new cover of TIME Magazine?

Attachment Parenting (AP) is once again front-page news and in total turn-off style, TIME has taken the neverending Mommy Wars to a new level with its competitive-laced title, “Are You Mom Enough?”  Now granted, I don’t have a TIME subscription so I haven’t yet read the article, but the photo itself is not good for Attachment Parenting.  It’s actually pretty exploitative of the parenting style.

The photo of Mommy Blogger Jamie Lynn Grumet breastfeeding her almost four-year-old son Aram is meant to stir up controversy – and the internet is ablaze.  TIME knew what it was doing and this photo is just one of a handful of photos of mothers breastfeeding that appear within the cover piece.  Parenting is not a contest, and this caption does a disservice for followers of AP everywhere.  So do the comments in response to this photo that have cropped up all over the internet.

Attachment Parenting is not a cult of crazy-a$$ Mamas who think that anyone who doesn’t baby-wear, breastfeed until natural weaning occurs, co-sleep or cater to every child’s whim should be stoned in the public square.  Rather, it is a parenting style that follows the Eight Principles of Parenting.  Attachment parenting has been on the rise over the past two decades, since the publication of The Baby Book by Dr. Bill Sears and his wife Martha in 1992.  But to a new Mother, this photo might scream, “Holy crap – he looks like a teenager who would rather be playing video games and she looks defiant, smug and totally pleased with herself.  I didn’t choose to/can’t/stopped breastfeeding.  Forget if I’m not Mom enough, this Attachment Parenting stuff is freaking weird!”  Is it me or is the photo completely contrived and smug?

A comment that I felt was completely on point re: the photo….

“This picture bespeaks “attitude” not education.  I am shocked that TIME Magazine is oblivious to the communication this picture engenders.  Nasty, coarse, rude comes to mind in seeing this mother standing up and her child on a chair. This could be the poster of how far our society has sunk into the total lack of purity. A mother feeding her child is a beautiful picture. This is bordering on porn and contrived to get attention.”

I didn’t practice AP, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.  I had a couple of friends who breastfed their kids until they were 3-4 and yes, we all talked about it because it was different to us but we never said it was disgusting – it just wasn’t our choice.  I think that beneath all of that gossip is the nagging feeling that every Mother has – am I doing it right?  And the cover photo caption here just adds fuel to the fire.  You’re either going to think it’s beautiful, creepy, natural, weird or all of the above.  No matter what your opinion, everyone is just trying to do their best for their family.  I just feel like this picture takes us all back a few steps.  Why do we constantly have to look at images and read articles that make us question our own judgment?  Mothers, can’t we stop the incessant bullying and leave each other alone?

I read countless responses daily to parenting articles that simply make people feel like lesser human beings -

“It’s impossible to believe you simply couldn’t produce milk.  Everyone produces milk.  You just weren’t committed to doing what was best for your child.  Formula is poison – don’t you want your child to have a good start in life?”

“You are sick in the head and should be arrested for child abuse if you practice this creepy method of parenting.”

“Extended breastfeeding is gross.  When the kid is old enough to ask for a boob, that should be the end of it!”

“What’s with all of the crunchy, granola, co-sleeping, baby-wearing people out there?  Don’t you realize you’re going to create clingy, dependent young adults who can’t do anything for themselves?  Cut the apron strings already.”

“Watching someone breastfeed a 3 year old totally creeps me out.  It’s completely unnatural looking.  They are totally capable of handling a fork.  This is more for the Mother than the child.  These parents refuse to let their kids grow out of babyhood.”

Did you know that children who were a product of AP can be clingy OR independent?  That breastfed children can end up healthier OR sicker than their formula-fed peers?  That children can adhere to boundaries and discipline no matter what the parenting style?  That co-sleeping can create a beautiful bond but that you can bond just as well if you choose to sleep separately?If you put down another person’s parenting because they are different, you must be afraid that you are doing something wrong.  Otherwise, why would it be so important to spend so much time commenting and bashing their choices?  If we want to create children who preach tolerance and acceptance, it has to come from us.  And we’re doing a really crappy job of being role models and teammates for motherhood.  Parenting is about making decisions out of love for our own children, not others.  There is no right or wrong unless abuse, neglect and/or endangerment enters the picture.

Yes, yes, yes.  The three main tenets of AP - breastfeeding, sleeping with your offspring, and carrying your offspring on your body – have been part of mammalian behavioral patterns for 65 million years.  Most mothers around the world have always practiced attachment parenting.  It isn’t some extreme or new-fangled movement.

But different seems to make people feel uncomfortable.

To the people who spend countless hours thinking about how to make everyone conform to their life practices, I ask you this…

What are you trying to prove?  And to whom?

Go spend time with your kids.

Whether they were fed breastmilk or cow’s milk, they will remember feeling loved.  Attended to.  Respected.  Played with.

Whether you fell asleep beside them or tucked them into their crib, they will remember you were there. Listening.  Asking them questions.  Teaching them about the world.

They will remember your smiles, tickles and hugs.  They will remember your smell.  They will remember YOU.  And you – no matter what your parenting decisions – is all they want at the end of the day.

So stop worrying that formula will turn your child into a serial killer.  Or that you’re not “Mom Enough” in the eyes of strangers you don’t know on the internet.

If you make decisions based on love, you’re Mom enough for your kid, and that’s all that matters. 

____________________

Note: I wrote this at 2am and re-read it this morning.  Not my best work, but I was emotionally charged after seeing the photo and poring through hundreds of responses meant to insult, bash and bully parents for their choices.  So it remains as is.  Sorry for the rambling. 

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Posted by Dani in News, Parenting, Women and tagged with , , , , ,
15Oct
37

Mommy Wars

Every night I get The Stir Daily Ten from CafeMom, a rundown of parenting news and opinions from featured columnists.  I just read this article about Mainstream Parenting Ideas and it’s not the article that pissed me off (even though it is complete junk and has few valid points “backed up” by junk science) it was the inevitable comments that followed.  Even if you’re not a parent, the comments will most likely piss you off.  In fact, I’m so pissed off about how parents (note: Moms) treat each other that I’m going to just go off on a complete rambling, nonsensical jumble of a tangent. 

Yes, yes, yes - I’ve given advice to people before when they asked about parenting techniques.  I’ve also pushed one method over another when talking to friends about discipline and I did write a post with my beliefs about spanking so maybe I’m a total hypocrite but why do parents feel the need to constantly castigate each other and get on a soapbox when it comes to co-sleeping, breastfeeding and every aspect of raising children?  Why can’t people mind their own business?

CIO (cry-it-out, or the Ferber Method) is a hot-button issue.  I didn’t want to use it because I didn’t really feel like hearing Alexa cry for hours, but once I read about it, I realized it was not the cruel and unusual punishment that you always hear about and wanted to give it a try.  It worked for us.  It is not leaving your child to scream until they pass out.  It doesn’t mean I love her less than you love your child who you would NEVER let cry even for a second.  It is a method and it works for some.  If you think it’s cruel, that’s up to you.  But why do you have to try and make other people feel like the devil about it?  One commenter wrote to just “Google CIO and brain damage”.  How about also Googling “effects of sleep deprivation” on either parents, babies or both. 

 

I chose not to co-sleep (yes, on purpose!) but I have friends who do and love it.  I know people who say they can’t stand being poked and prodded while trying to sleep and would never do it again and others who say it is the most special and wonderful thing you can do with your child and would never consider anything else. 

Some people can’t breastfeed.  They can’t.  Really.  Even if they sat for 24 hours with a medical-grade pump and YOU cheering them on.  (Well not you, but I’m using “you” to mean the fanatical Mamas who have something to say about everything breastfeeding).  Or those who adopted and couldn’t induce lactation.  Or those who have mastitis or an illness or – gasp! – just don’t want to.  Oh my goodness, they are SATAN!  These crazy people don’t choose to use a milk bank or do everything humanly possible to get human milk into their baby and opt to use … cover your ears … formula!  There are people out there willing to knock down doors to make sure everyone knows that formula is the devil in a can and that it will poison your child and make them a moron.  To these people I say what did someone do to you as a child to make you feel the need to be so mean and insensitive to others?  Can you simply say “we all know breast is best but if you can’t or choose not to do it, I don’t wish for you to burn in a fiery hell?”  Or keep it to yourself.  What on earth made you feel so very deeply about this subject that you feel the need to chop people’s heads off if they do things differently?  If you’re able to breastfeed and choose to do so, shouldn’t you just be happy for yourself and your baby?  Are you trying to win some kind of breastfeeding election or ensure that your tombstone reads “Died En Route to Perfection”?   

I went on medication for PPD after the birth of my first child.  I stayed on that medication when pregnant with my second child because the benefits to both of us outweighed the risks.  Is it ideal to be on meds while pregnant?  Of course not.  Do you know what I went through?  No, because you’re not me.  Would I wish it on you or anyone else?  No.  So why do some people feel the need to judge something they have no idea about?  (Side ramble – To me, it’s like being homophobic for no other reason than thinking homosexuals are ”deviants” because they may be different than you – then finding out your son is gay and expresses his deep desire to live his life openly and without fear… so you open your mind because you love your son and since you know he’s not a “deviant” maybe you were wrong.)  Sooooooo… unless you have lived with PPD or any other mental illness, go fly a kite before telling me that I’m selfish for “putting my child at risk”.  And maybe read some actual medical research, too.

There is no one-size-fits-all.  Every child is different.  I can already tell you that many of the things I swore by with Ryan I will not find effective with Alexa.  Generalizations are not helpful.  They only make confused parents feel more lost.  We already know that new parents scour books, websites and other sources of information for support and what they’re finding (many times from other Mothers) sends them into an even deeper tailspin -

“CIO is a form of child abuse that will leave your child with pervasive anxiety.”

“If you have PPD, your child won’t be able to bond with you.”

“I would NEVER let my child cry – for even a minute!  Letting children cry is cruel.”

“Breastfed babies are smarter than their formula-fed counterparts.”

“My child is ahead of all the milestones because I’m home with him.”

“Co-sleeping is gross and dangerous - how do you ever have sex?  Aren’t you afraid of rolling over and killing your baby?”

“It is lazy parenting to formula-feed – why give a baby milk from a cow when you are perfectly capable of making your own?”

“Attachment parenting is the only way to raise a secure child who feels loved.”

UGH.  It’s enough to give you a migraine.

How about parenting with love, logic and instinct? 

End the Mommy Wars.  It’s soooooooo tiring.  I think we’re all looking for validation and put others down because of our personal insecurities.  I’m pretty sure there’s nothing that makes people feel as vulnerable as being in charge of a tiny human life.  I wish we didn’t have all of this literature and just used good old instinct.  

Working full-time, staying at home, co-sleeping, CIO, babywearing, formula feeding, homeschooling, time-outs, spanking, 100% organic - we’re all just trying to do our best.  Sure, we all have our opinions and we may get into a lively debate from time to time with friends or family members about how we choose to raise our children.  It just seems like some people make it their full time job to be on a parenting rampage across the World Wide Web.

And I actually didn’t hate all of the comments - many echoed what I’ve been trying to say, albeit with more clarity.  This one was my personal favorite:

From gingerpeachee on Oct 13, 2011 at 7:50 PM

Over-opinionated ridiculous human beings. Seriously. The CIO moms are accusing the AP moms of creating clingy children and the AP mom’s are calling the CIO moms child abusers. Lovely.  Parents with small children forget that what you do in the first 3 years of life is not the end all be all of your children.  WHO CARES if you made homemade baby food in 10 years? WHO CARES if you had your child on a strict  schedule at 2 days old?!?! You think this is going to be some sort of life-altering decision? It’s not.

Maybe kids are growing up and bullying other kids because that is what their parents do to other parents right from the get go. Ever think of that?  Open your minds. Forgive the people around you for not being carbon copies of yourself (the fact is YOU are not that perfect).

Amen, gingerpeachee – whoever you are.  Amen.

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Posted by Dani in Blah blah blah, complaints, etc., Childhood Development, Parenting, Women and tagged with , , , , , , ,
10Nov
1

Is Motherhood a Prison?

By now, you may have read Erica Jong’s Wall Street Journal article entitled Mother Madness. 

Ms. Jong reignites the discussion about the viability of “attachment parenting” and opines that today’s child-rearing ideal is weighing Mothers down.  That today’s hyper-sensitive, overscheduling, competitive parents are trying to create exceptional children but that this ideal ends up creating victimized Mothers instead.  We are made to think that unless we spend every minute on the floor playing with our children, breastfeed them exclusively and keep abreast of current news regarding education, product recalls, Green products and superfoods that we are not adequate Mothers.   

The article cites the double-standard regarding attachment parenting and today’s corporate culture.  Not all offices allow time or a place for breastfeeding during normal business hours and if you showed up to work wearing your baby in a sling, you’d have a pretty hard time being productive (and so would your co-workers).  This sets women up to feel guilty for wanting a career and a family.

The article brings up many excellent points, but for the purpose of this blog I would like to focus on the subject of “helicopter parenting”, which is basically the micromanaging of children:

Mothering and fathering are different all over the world.  Our cultural myth is that nurturance matters deeply.  And it has led to “helicopter parenting,” the smothering surveillance of a child’s every experience and problem, often extending as far as college.  It has also led to pervasive anxiety (among parents and children alike) and the deep disappointment that some parents suffer when their kids become less malleable during their teenage years.

Giving up your life for your child creates expectations that are likely to be thwarted as the child, inevitably, attempts to detach.  Nor does such hyper-attentive parenting help children to become independent adults.  Kids who never have to solve problems for themselves come to believe that they can’t solve problems themselves.  Sometimes they fall apart in college.

Some parenting gurus suggest that helicopter parenting became the rage as more mothers went to work outside the home.  In other words, it was a kind of reaction formation, a way for mothers to compensate for their absence and guilt and also for the many dangerous and uncontrollable things in the modern family’s environment.  This seems logical to me.  As we give up on ideals of community, we focus more and more on our individual children, perhaps not realizing that the community and the child cannot be separated.

I do not believe that attachment parenting our infants is such a bad thing, if it can be done and if the parent chooses to do this out of desire.  Mothers are smart enough to choose what’s right for themselves and their children and not to blindly follow an author’s interpretation of what’s right, right?  Attachment parenting doesn’t allow for the multitude of other caregivers that many have to turn to to help raise their children – the grandparents, nannies and daycares that help keep many families afloat.  So perhaps the ideal sets us up to fail, but the bonding, closeness and security that our children feel as a result can’t possibly hurt their development if given the opportunity.  But as our children grow into thoughtful, independent young adults, I do feel that we do a disservice to them if we don’t allow a modicum of failure or disappointment.  Life is unfair and no matter how we try to shelter our children against the injustices that they will inevitably be faced with, they will eventually see the truth. 

I hear members of my parents’ generation lament today’s coddling of children.  Trophies are given to every member of a Little League team, all toys are to be shared, nobody is better than anyone else at anything, children are given choices instead of directives.  In today’s society, where do you draw the line?  Is it called coddling when you’re talking about a 4 year old but not when the child is 5?  Is the previous generation’s experience with fear as a motivator any better than today’s ideal of positive reinforcement?

I personally don’t find breastfeeding imprisoning.  I enjoy it.  I know some Mothers who exclusively breastfeed that call themselves “lazy” because they don’t feel like washing and filling bottles or measuring formula.   Some Mothers are not able to breastfeed or choose not to.  Some parents co-sleep with their children because they don’t want to put forth the effort to sleep train them.  Others choose to co-sleep because they enjoy the closeness of a family bed.  Why, as a group of judged individuals, do we feel the need to judge our own? 

I know that I will feel a deep loss as my children grow into individuals who detach from me as they explore their individuality.  I am a helicopter parent by nature, I will applaud their journey while mourning my place of importance in their day-to-day decisions and actions.  I don’t see what’s so wrong with helicopter parenting.  I want to be involved in most aspects of my children’s lives because they are the people who I love most.  I want them to know that they can come to me for anything and I will not turn them away.  I will not provide every answer, but I will give them the tools to answer for themselves.  I will not lightly dismiss their mistakes, but will applaud their honesty. 

My hope is to pave a road for my children that enables them to make good choices, respect themselves and others and be proud of who they see in the mirror.  There will be countless people along that road who will help to shape their character.  I agree with Ms. Jong when she observes that our obsession with “parenting is an avoidance strategy… aspiring to be perfect parents seems like a pathetic attempt to control what we can while ignoring problems that seem beyond our reach.”  Our particular risk-avoidance to avoid errors starts even before our children are born.  Even risk in pregnancy is viewed in terms of what a woman did or did not do – dye her hair, eat sushi, drink wine – instead of broader environmental problems. 

You may have been the Mom who made sure to eat enough vegetables in pregnancy or you chose to enjoy the occasional sip of wine, made your own baby food or bought bananas in a jar, enrolled your kids in the finest preschool in town or waited until Kindergarten for their introduction to formal education.  Who am I to judge?  I do what I think is best for my children.  What’s best for your children is your choice. 

At the end of the article, the author states that Mothers should ”do the best you can – there are no rules” but I’ve got to tell you – condemning helicopter parenting is almost hypocritical to the point she is making.  Everything the article discusses – Mothers’ fears of making mistakes and society’s disgust with Mothers afraid of making mistakes – is actually a type of Mother blame.  I say let’s stop the carousel of blame, focus on what’s really important and start to give each other support instead of condemnation.

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Posted by Dani in News, Women and tagged with , , , ,
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