So… nobody really asked me, but judging from my phone ringing off the hook with media requests, top brands spamming my inbox begging me to do their giveaways and having to go outside last night and wrap bright yellow “Police Line – Do Not Cross” tape around my house, you are probably wondering just what it takes to be a successful, A-list, household name Mommy blogger.
Okay, so one person asked. And I’m so glad you did, because everyone else is just waaaay too shy about asking me this particular question. You shouldn’t be. I’m really very approachable despite what you may have heard.
I should probably be paid for bestowing this advice upon you, but as a service to my readers (and the universe – you’ll see why in a sec), I will give you the gratis, red-carpet treatment. If you really feel guilty reading my gold-plated words without giving me anything in return, I will accept payment via Paypal. Shoot me an e-mail for instructions on how to transfer your funds. It’s fairly easy.
Why am I writing a 3 part post about something that has nothing to do with children? Glad you asked. Every successful Mommy blogger that I’ve ever come across has at one time or another written a post like this, helping newbies navigate their way through the vast blogosphere. Only I’m doing it after a mere 5 months of blogging. Why? Because the universe has bestowed upon me a responsibility to be of service. And who am I to say no to the universe?
So with that, I give you my first piece of advice.
Don’t take my advice. The last time I looked at my StatCounter, I average +/- 300 unique readers daily and have a little over 200 “Likes” on my Facebook fan page. (Important to note – my numbers would increase dramatically if the five people that I know in real life would just join Facebook already.) Just to put this into perspective, the #1 family blog in America, Heather B. Armstrong’s Dooce.com (www.dooce.com), averages more than 350,000 readers daily. Additionally, there is a fan page on Facebook called Picking My Nose that has 3,066 “Likes”. So there you have it. I am nowhere near successful or famous. But I do pick my nose once in a while. You probably do, too, and then pretend you were scratching your nostril when someone catches you. Don’t worry – your secret is safe with me.
You need to have writing talent. Not the kind where your Mom looked at your short story from 4th grade entitled, “Cyndi’s Big Day” and called all of her friends to gush about how you’re the next Judy Blume. Real talent.
Side note: My short story was a mystery called “Thread For A Needle” and believe me, it would totally kick your short story’s ass.
Humor is a must. I have a friend who says she hates seeing comedy acts because she has no sense of humor. I’m pretty sure she’s missing a few genes on the Humor Chromosome. No, I don’t know which chromosome number that is. It’s been eons since I learned that crap in Science. Sue me.
But seriously, popular bloggers take some heavy criticism at time from particularly racy/offensive/opinionated posts and it’s vital that they bounce back without further alienating their loyal readership. This means you must be able to laugh at yourself. If you can’t, you’re up sh-t’s creek without a paddle. And I’m not going to be the one bailing you out of sh-t’s creek, because I’m stockpiling my paddles for the summer.
You have to curse like a drunken sailor. See that lame-o crap I wrote above – “up sh-t’s creek”? The really good bloggers know where to place a well-timed “FUCK THAT!” or a totally random “SUCK MY PACIFIER!” I, on the other hand, try to appeal to the Preschool Graduating Class of 2012 who will one day be reading my blog.
And with that, I will shut down this lesson for the day – there is a lot here for you to digest, take notes on and begin practicing. (Well, at least for one of you – the one who asked me this question in the first place.)
Also, Cory hates this post and wants me to leave it unpublished because he thinks it’s nobody’s business how many people read my blog, hates when I use self-deprecating humor and thinks I’m being overly sarcastic and cocky. To that, I simply say, you’re not my target audience – go back to watching Get Him To The Greek with all the other geniuses of the world. Clearly, he is not bright.
The rest of you are probably wondering when I will FOCUS and actually provide you with some child-rearing advice. That’s the sad part. Why on Earth would you come to me for THAT?
Morons.
(Now if you don’t have a sense of humor, me calling you a moron probably won’t go over well and I’ll drop to 198 in “Likes” on my Fan page.)
Part 2 tomorrow.
Be ready.
